If your birthday is this week:  Your family will stop making you feel guilty over the holidays right around the time your girlfriend starts nagging you.  At least you’ll have continuity with your shitty mood.

Aries:  Your old high school buddy will ask to trade Christmas gifts with you.  Don’t do it.  He’s Amish and his ipod is just a wooden block that looks like an ipod.

Taurus:  Your virtual farm goes out of business because the virtual bank wants your virtual land.  This depresses you.  Maybe it’s time to log off of Facebook and talk to an actual person.

Gemini:  You will break the record for eating the most sugar cookies in one sitting and contracting diabetes.  The Guinness Book of World Records guy tells you to call him if they take your foot before Monday.

Lemini:  Santa stopped at your house, but he also used your bathroom and didn’t flush.  Merry Christmas!

Cancer:  Your boss had a vision of three ghosts the night before.  He threw a big party and gave you a generous raise.  Unfortunately, he’s had time to sober up so he’s returned to being a cheap prick.

Leo:  Your roommate stops by over the holidays.  When you come back to the bathroom, you find a note under the tree where some of your presents used to sit.  It says, “Hey dude, had to borrow this.  See you after break!”

Virgo:  That chick you banged last year on Christmas Break found Jesus since last you met.  Turns out, she’s always wanted to do a three-way with you an a Hispanic guy.

Libra:  The stars say, you can stop drinking now.  Everyone went home yesterday.

Scorpio:  Your attempt to return your gift backfires when the clerk at the adult bookstore reveals that you have been regifted a used dildo.

Sagittarius:  Your attempt at cliff diving ends badly when Cliff suddenly moves out from under you.

Capricorn:  The stars say, you should sell all your Christmas gifts and give the money to charity, but the stars say a lot of things.  Fuck ’em.  You got an ipad!

Aquarius:  Your roommate gives you a homemade gift.  Unfortunately, it’s a DVD of a shot for shot remake of “The Other Guys” starring him in all the parts.

Pisces:  The person you had sex with during the office party will avoid you all week.  It’s your boss, so feel free to go home whenever you want.