translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Whacking It in Washington,

Great Señor Cactus,

My boyfriend is great.  He’s attentive, kind and doesn’t pressure me for sex.  But he masturbates almost constantly.  I mean, it’s ridiculous sometimes.  He’ll just come by my room and if I can’t have sex with him right then, he’ll just say, “I’m going to rub one out in the bathroom.”  He once had sex with me, went into the bathroom to get rid of the condom and I walk in on him a few minutes later wanking it to a Cosmo.  Is this normal?


Briana, 19, American U

Dear Wanker Girl

Cactus say, dis is perfectly normal for a college age man in his sexual prime.  Cactus say, when he was in his prime, he couldn’t stop pollenatin’ everything with chlorophyll!  If you got some time, lay back and enjoy da ride!  Much like current episodes of American Idol, it’s all downhill from here.  Remember dat when yer 40 and yer as horny has a rhino in heat!

Avenging in Atlanta

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate figured out my password and has been reading my email.  To get revenge, I created a fake email that’s similar to the one his girlfriend has and I’ve been pretending to correspond back and forth with her.  I’ve made mention of the several times we’ve had sex, especially anal sex, which my roommate has never experienced.  This has been going on for about two weeks, in which time, he’s become despondent, has been drinking heavily and missing classes.  Now his grades are slipping and he’s about to be kicked out of college.  Have I gone too far?

Barry, 20, CAU

Dear Captain Awesome

Cactus say, too far?  Not if you want a single!

High in New Haven

Cactus dude:

What is the perfect food to eat when you are high?

Some Dude, 420 Forever

Dear Bong Brother

Cactus eat dirt, so Mistah Shit field dis one.  Da best ting you can eat is anything with crispy bacon on it.  There is nothing dat bacon can’t make better!  Even Doritos!  Even bacon!

Table Dancer in Tahoe

Dear Señor Cactus,

I’m dating a stripper, but I don’t think I can handle it anymore.  She is constantly being hit on by guys whenever we go out and she’s really overtly sexual.  It’s great being with her, but I can’t take the thought of her doing another guy.  How can I learn to trust her or should I break it off?

Donavan, 20, Sierra Nevada College

Dear Lucky Dumbass

Cactus say, dating a stripper is every man’s dream.  Yer problem is, having a relationship with a stripper is every man’s nightmare.  Eliminate the relationship!  Just consider her an incredibly sexy friend with benefits!  Problem solved!