Tony D’s Ten Things You’ll Never See
10: Janet Jackson for the boob flash at the Super Bowl: Since she maintains that it was a “wardrobe malfunction” she’s never really going to apologize, but who could forget that day? I think we were all traumatized. Will we ever get justice for being exposed to a 38 year-old breast? Fortunately, there are plenty of 20 year-old breasts bouncing around that can erase that fateful night from your mind. Thank you Internet. You’ll never have to apologize.
9: The Wachowskis for The Matrix 2 and 3: C’mon. Don’t you think it’s time?
8: Bill Gates for Windows Vista: For me, this system was kind of like the Neanderthal of operating systems. I never missed Windows ’95 so much.
7: Tiger Woods for anything: Seems like he’s good at apologizing. Maybe someone off this list should hire him.
6: O.J. Simpson for ruining the Naked Gun movies: His bit in those movies used to be funny, now all I can think about is Johnnie Cochrane and those gloves.
5: MTV for ruining the phrase “Jersey Shore”: If you’re going to do a show about the Jersey Shore, then at least focus on people from New Jersey. It’s not all fake tans and Axe body spray.
4: Paula Deen for making people fat: Seriously, if you’re going to deep fry everything in butter, you ought to mention the health risks or eat a raw carrot once in a while.
3: George Lucas for the Star Wars prequels: I still maintain they don’t exist.
2: Barack Obama for bailing out failed auto companies: Shitty American cars are shitty enough. Don’t encourage them to make more.
1: Dick Cheney apologizing for destroying America: Dick Cheney strikes me as one of those guys that doesn’t apologize for anything, let alone something that big. I’m pretty sure that if he ran over your cat, then got out of his car and peed on its twitching corpse on national TV, he’d still find some rational for not apologizing to you. He just seems like that kind of guy.
