Our Pledgemaster is not a well-read man, but like you and the rest of the Internet, he is incredibly judgmental. Let the Fratties fall where they may in this week’s F/NF.
Lindsay Lohan: Not Fratty
Sure, I’d do Lindsay Lohan, but even I have to make time to hide my wallet before getting all up in her celebrity sniz. You know if this chick was black football player, she’d be doing 5 to 20. Send her skinny ass to jail or force to to appear in a Michael Bay movie, either way is punishment.
Jesus’s Wife: Fratty
He might’ve been the only husband in history to win arguments. “Honey, can you take out the trash?” “Sorry, babe, God says you do it.” Boom! What is she going to say? Ha!
Arctic Ice Melt: Not So Fratty
While I enjoy mid-70’s weather for Halloween. This shit is getting ridiculous. I don’t want to have to buy a boat. Getting drunk on the water just makes vomit happen faster.
Fionna Apple: Still Fratty
Fionna is still a hot little minx and likes to smoke the sticky icky. She’s not hurting anyone. It’s fucked up that she gets busted and LL will probably be on time for whatever movie she’s doing. Not fair, bros. Legalize it all!
Starbucks: Not Very Fratty
I like some lemon in my iced tea, Starbucks. All the shit you have behind the counter, you can’t store some God damned lemon juice? And yes, that’s why I end up dipping my lemon loaf in the drink, since you had to ask!
Clint Eastwood: Still Kinda Fratty
After looking like a crazy old man at the RNC, Clint just doesn’t give a flying fuck. I thought this guy retired from acting, but apparently you can’t retire from getting your ego stroked. Can’t deny, it’s pretty fucking fratty not to give two shits what people think.
Car Seat Heaters: Not Fratty
Look, the idea was sound. Warm yourself in the car on a cold day. But Christ, don’t roast my balls! That’s all I need in the dead of winter getting out of the car, sweat! And nothing like accidentally hitting the button while getting in the car now. I nearly passed out from the heat. No, not fratty.
Costco: Fratty as Hell
Any place that gives me unlimited free samples of food while I shop for pallet-sized containers of hot wings is absolutely fratty. And the best part about those samples, you can just stand there and keep shoveling them into your mouth! They don’t care!
New Atheists: Not Fratty At All
Look, I don’t give a shit about religion. Mostly because I don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks. Jesus freaks were bad enough, but nothing is more annoying than some college kid that just found the courage to dis his old religion. Yeah, we get it, you’re not stupid and you don’t believe in fairy tales. Not shut the fuck up and be not stupid. Stop retweeting Ricky Gervais every ten seconds you smug, godless motherfucker. We get it!
