If your birthday is this week: Your pizzaman is stalking you. He doesn’t want to have sex, just deliver all your food.
Aries: You will be punched by a farm animal.
Taurus: The stars say, avoid the cheese you farty bastard.
Gemini: Your Polish Land Lady will continue to pay you rent in 2013.
Lemini: A snowstorm in your home town will not prevent you from going out for pancakes.
Cancer: Your sex doll will start working for a pimp and from then on it will cost you $200 for sex.
Leo: You will become the first person ever to get into a car accident with a plane that’s in mid-flight.
Virgo: Your saloon theme “STD’s in the late 1800’s” is not as successful as your business plan envisioned.
Libra: You’ll discover that shaving off all your body hair and eyebrows is not a New Year’s Resolution, it’s just weird.
Scorpio: You will lose track of all the brothers in a frat you’ve had sex with and have to start over with the A’s again.
Sagittarius: You will be rejected for a blimp license and will need to seek alternative transportation.
Capricorn: This week, the buzz about the office will be all about that stain on the back of your pants.
Aquarius: You will finally be let out of the supply closet you were locked in during the office Christmas party a week ago. Boy, did you shit a lot on that copier.
Pisces: You will make wise choices with your Game Stop gift card so you can spend New Year’s capping bitches on Xbox Live.
Ingredients: One pound cake, Bird’s Custard mix, whipped cream, assorted fruit, milk chocolate chips, one bottle raspberry brandy, four bottles of Rolling Rock, one deep trifle bowl, one girlfriend.
Step 1: Get into argument with girlfriend because you “never do shit”.
Step 2: Go to her Facebook page, find out English Trifle is her favorite dessert.
Step 3. Search Internet for Trifle recipes. Figure if that douchebag Ramsey can do it, so can you.
Step 4: Purchase ingredients, drink Rolling Rock while regretting decision to make trifle.
Step 5: Cut up pound cake into flat pieces. Soak in brandy on baking tray.
Step 6: Take swig of brandy, decide it’s too sweet, drink another Rolling Rock.
Step 7: Mix up Bird’s Custard, reward self with brandy shot.
Step 8: Mix whipped cream, reward self with brandy shot.
Step 9: Wash and slice fruit, reward self with brandy shot.
Step 10: Get thirsty. Drink another Rolling Rock, reward self with brandy shot.
Step 11: Line bowl with brandy-soaked cake. Drink unabsorbed brandy from baking tray.
Step 12: Pour entire bowl of custard in. Remember you’re supposed to layer custard with other stuff.
Step 13: Scoop out custard while drinking fourth Rolling Rock, blame girlfriend for dessert mess.
Step 14: Call girlfriend. Leave incoherent angry message about her “custard shit”.
Step 15: Reward self with brandy shot.
Step 16: Pour fruit in bowl, realize stems and seeds were included, say “Fuck it.”
Step 17: Pour whipped cream, forget layering again. Say, “Fuck it.”
Step 18: Pour in rest of ingredients. Stir up bowl even though recipe doesn’t call for that.
Step 19: Regret phone call, call back girlfriend to apologize incoherently.
Step 20: Finish off brandy bottle while eating trifle and crying.
Step 21: Throw up in trifle bowl, pass out.
Step 22: Wake up later, place trifle in fridge not realizing it’s topped with vomit.
Step 23: Pass out in room. Awaken later to find frat brothers eating trifle.
Step 24: Laugh and vomit.
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