If your birthday is this week: You’ll accidentally eat several of the candles on your birthday burrito.
Aries: The stars say, taking off your pants in the library might be acceptable if you wore underwear.
Taurus: Don’t take that parking space, go to the next one, it’s in front of a cookie store.
Gemini: A monkey will be promoted to your supervisor and he doesn’t like you.
Lemini: You’ll finally prove your theory that everything’s better on a bagel.
Cancer: Your robot works, but your girlfriend cheats you on with it.
Leo: Your dentist promises not to make it weird, but he does.
Virgo: You will be bitten by the love bug, but fortunately, you hospital quickly manages to immunize you.
Libra: Your S.O. admits that it’s you, not them.
Scorpio: You have sex with your ex, but banging your ex-mailman is still a little weird.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll tease a biker gang, which is a disaster because it makes several of them cry.
Capricorn: You won’t like the actor they picked to play you watching the Bronco chase in the O.J. Simpsons story.
Aquarius: Your cult gets together and asks you to leave. They assure you that it’s them and not you.
Pisces: Your video game wife divorces you and takes custody of the mushrooms.
