If your birthday is this week:  The librarians insist that you move your birthday party to some place else because you’re cramping their style.

Aries:  Your roommate drunkenly reveals that he’s a secret agent and tries to kill you, but fortunately he sucks at his job.

Taurus:  The Colonel of KFC asks you to kill him and take his place.

Gemini:  The Starbucks barista will write “Shit Nutz” on your latte.

Lemini:  A small town sheriff will drive you out of town and you vow to get revenge, but you’re lame, so you don’t.

Cancer:  You’ll summon a demon, but he’ll insist you’re just “not right” for him.

Leo:  Donald Trump’s goons break into your car and steal all your change or at least that’s what you tell the cops.

Virgo:  Taco Bell will steal your formula for their next taco, which is just basically a taco with lots more cheese.

Libra:  The stars say, doing your taxes in the nude does not get you an additional ten percent discount.

Scorpio:  Your life story becomes popular enough to be turned into a soft porn movie.

Sagittarius:  You will overfill your cream puffs and experience a delicious explosions.

Capricorn:  Your Frisbee golf game devolves into an argument, then a fistfight and then a campaign for president.

Aquarius:  You will wake up in a stranger’s pajamas.

Pisces:  Pressure from Big Easter keeps you from making any Easter jokes in your horoscope post.