If your birthday is this week:
Aries: You will eat an inspiring burrito.
Taurus: The stars say, you’ll save more money if pay for the car in cash all at once.
Gemini: You will become addicted to smoking after starring in a Truth commercial.
Lemini: Your boss will give you a promotion and crabs.
Cancer: The world’s dumbest mugger will insist you take his wallet at gunpoint.
Leo: You’ll find the ghost of Ronald Reagan watching Trump on CNN and muttering “Jesus Christ!” every few minutes.
Virgo: Your attempt to start a taxi service with hoverboards ends with several wrist sprains.
Libra: A gypsy woman predicts all your losing lottery numbers.
Scorpio: You will make sweet love to an exotic pastry.
Sagittarius: You will get a free pastry from a Scorpio.
Capricorn: This week, you’ll visit an alternate universe where no one wears pants and car seats are covered in skid marks.
Aquarius: Your gumball machine nets $40,000 it’s first week.
Pisces: You will rush your horoscope blog post because of a huge lightning storm and you’re afraid the power will cut out befo—-
