If your birthday is this week:  Your mother’s various boyfriend’s throw you a birthday party, but it’s shut down by the fire department due to over occupancy.

Aries:  You’ll lose your mom at the third or fourth bar sometime on Mother’s Day, you lightweight.

Taurus:  Your mother enjoys her new handgun so much, the next liquor store she robs will be in your honor.

Gemini:  Despite your mother’s best efforts, she’s unable to break out of prison in time to be with you today.

Lemini:  Your mom sends you an email warning you that her new video on Pornhub makes her look fat.

Cancer:  When you arrive with your mother’s Mother’s Day cake her first question will be “Nice and what are you going to eat?”

Leo:  Your mom insists on you not wrapping her gift because she’s just going to shoot the heroin anyway.

Virgo:  Your mother’s apocalyptic visions of the future come true and Variety announces a Neighbors 2 sequel.

Libra:  You try to see your mom on Mother’s Day, but her zoo habitat is closed on Sunday.

Scorpio:  You mother will thank you for the oil drum of KY jelly, which should be enough for her to get through the rest of the weekend.

Sagittarius:  Your mom will insist she’s still allergic to you, which is why she’d rather celebrate without you in the Bahamas.

Capricorn:  Your mother will explain at the restaurant that it’s not you, it’s her and that she’d rather see her other children for awhile.

Aquarius:  The people at the fertilization clinic insist you stop sending them cards this time of year.

Pisces:  You buy your awesome mom dinner and tell her about the horoscope column on your comedy site.