If your birthday is this week: Your birthday party will be held in an undisclosed area, so no one gets to go.
Aries: The stars say, you’ll get a surprise enema.
Taurus: You’ll notice pubic hairs on your food reviewing your meal pics on Instagram.
Gemini: Your peaceful protest is misunderstood at the Subway sandwich shop and they insist you put on pants.
Lemini: Your broker will ask if he can live on your couch for a while.
Cancer: Don’t forget to lock your car tonight, it’s leprechaun season.
Leo: The ghost of Thomas Jefferson keeps waking you up to search for pictures of Halle Berry naked on the Internet.
Virgo: Your lucky number is 7,342.854.
Libra: Your dream of training rabbits is realized until the rabbits steal your car and ruin your credit.
Scorpio: You’ll invent a new sexual position, which can only be performed with seven people.
Sagittarius: The NSA will email you and ask you to look at more interesting porn.
Capricorn: You’ll never guess who is coming to see you tomorrow.
Aquarius: Your state government will insist you wear waterwings whenever you’re in the DMV.
Pisces: You’ll be frozen in stasis for 500 years, only to be revived to find out that failing to recycle is a war crime.
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