If your birthday is this week:  Two drunken otters will ruin you party and no one will know who invited them.

Aries:  You’ll realize the power bars you’ve been eating are just Three Musketeers in a different wrapper.

Taurus:  You’ll be mugged by a Muppet down on his luck.

Gemini:  The stars say, “What are you lookin’ at?  Huh?!”

Lemini:  You’ll realize that your religion can’t be based on going to the International House of Pancakes for every meal.

Cancer:  Bill Murray will punch you in the genitals and then whisper in your ear, “No one will believe you.”

Leo:  You’ll catch a rare Pokémon in your neighbor’s shower, just before the police arrive.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll catch a squirrel going through your wallet.  He’ll swear he was just looking for your address so he could return it.

Libra:  Your Facebook timeline will tell you that you did the same shit five years ago.

Scorpio:  Your visit to a toll booth finishes with a happy ending.

Sagittarius:  You’ll take  Mac n’ Cheese and invent Mac n’ Cheese n’ Vodka.

Capricorn:  The stars say, your attempt to bribe your mailman backfires and he’ll loudly announce your delivery of marital aids.

Aquarius:  No one at the office will appreciate your installation of a Slip n’ Slide at the hall in front of the Restrooms.

Pisces:  Your original tweet will be optioned for a movie trilogy starring Benedict Cumberbatch.