Jun09

Rewritten Headlines: Self Generating Pizza to Bad Rent

by tonyd on June 9, 2017 at 12:01 am

Pizza That Makes You Eat More Pizza

Actual Jurassic Park Not Going to be as Cool

Arby’s Upgrades Sandwich

Dude Really Had to Get to Second Floor

Not a Facebook Poke

Aquaman Solves Crime

Man Really Hates Onions

Planet of the Apes Delayed

Chefs to Build Giant Horrible Pizza

Landlord Doesn’t Think it Through

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Jun07

Twitter in Focus: Flavor Flav

by tonyd on June 7, 2017 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is Flavor Fav boyyyeeeeee!  Let’s see what he’s tweeting.

@FlavorFlav

February 15th:  “Thank you all for helping me kill the game,,, Without you this could not be possible, FLAVOR FLAV”

Kill the game?  Did he go hunting?

February 19th:  “We got a big show commin up soon ,,, follow my boy So stay tuned to the vegas ventures,!!! Boooyyyyeeeee,!!”

Aw, he said it!  Well, typed it anyway.

March 20th:  “R I P Chuck Berry i’ve been a fan my whole life since I was four years old, All I can say is You did your thing my man God bless/FLAVOR-FLAV”

He was legend.  Can’t believe he’s gone.

March 20th:  “To all that wished me a happy birthday on my birthday thank you so much to everybody FLAVOR FLAV”

Aw, man.  Rough news on a birthday.

May 14th:  “ Mother’s Day today to all mothers,,, Flavor Flav”

Flav’s hashtag skills may not be totally on point.

May 19th:  “ cavaliers is the brand-new broom that’s going to sweep the Boston Celtics LeBron James is my favorite player in the NBA right now”

I would’ve guessed he’d be more of an East Coast team guy, but then again, who likes the Knicks?

May 30th:  “ really feel we had a good relationship all this time with Germany until Trump became president,,,, just sayin,,not sure, I might be wrong”

See, that’s the way to put your opinion up when you’re a celebrity.  Not preachy, just throwin’ it out there, not trying to start a fight.

10 hours ago:  “A United States president should not be using Twitter in the first place why is Trump tweeting and causingchaos in the White House? FLAV”

Yeah, I don’t know if he’s causing chaos.  But the wall-to-wall coverage of the tweets sure are.

7 hours ago:  “ Donald Trump is a Twidiot: wich means a tweeting idiot,,, Causing chaos all over,, Missing up relationships with other countries”

The world needs another PE album, Flav.  Return of a Black Planet!

Okay, let’s rate Flav’s tweets.  Surprisingly sane.  I expected all kinds of craziness, but Flav is pretty chill these days.  I give him a 7 for Insanity, a 7 for Mustness and a 10 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 8, but I’m bumping it to 9 because, well, PE!

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email me here.

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Jun04

Ira’s Drunken Recipes: Microwave Burrito

by tonyd on June 4, 2017 at 11:08 pm

Ingredients: 1/4 kegger, one bottle of Grand Marnier, bus, airport, burrito, microwave.

Step 1:  Drink about 1/4 keg of beer at a sorority mixer.

Step 2:  Stagger into wrong room and uncover housemate’s bottle of Grand Marnier.

Step 3:  Ignore labels on bottle and obvious age of bottle and open it.

Step 4:  Drink one quarter of bottle, rush to bathroom to throw up.

Step 5:  Over hear housemate discovering open bottle in room.

Step 6:  Climb out window, fall into bushes.

Step 7:  Hear housemate threaten you from his room.

Step 8:  Run across campus, chased by housemate.

Step 9:  Duck into freshman party, hide in closet.

Step 10:  Throw up in closet.

Step 11:  Get thrown out by freshman.

Step 12:  Walk to Student Union, remember sad time when you broke up with girlfriend there.

Step 13:  Spot bus pulling up.  Decide to get on it.

Step 14:  Stagger to bus stop, get on bus.

Step 15:  Walk to back of bus, pass out.

Step 16:  Wake up at last stop at airport.

Step 17:  Get out, walk into airport.

Step 18:  Find microwave burritos at only store still open.

Step 19:  Microwave burrito for 8 minutes by mistake.

Step 20:  Burn mouth on burrito, drop it on floor.

 

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Jun04

Your Fratoscope: June 4, 2017

by tonyd on June 4, 2017 at 1:48 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  Your cake explodes, but the shrapnel is delicious.

Aries:  You will accidentally quit the Internet and have to start over by watching cat videos for six weeks.

Taurus:  The stars say, your dentist enjoys the smell of your breath a little too much.

Gemini:  Your robot will apply for a small business loan.

Lemini:  You will be outsmarted by a wheel of cheese.

Cancer:  Your lawn will become infested with leprechauns.

Leo:  You’ll brush up against a celebrity and catch Russel Crowe Syndrome.

Virgo:  Your pie will be delivered by an ancestor of one of the original stooges, but he just plates it for you.

Libra:  The usher isn’t hitting on you, you just never gave him your ticket.

Scorpio:  Your dating profile will get an STD.

Sagittarius:  You will enjoy a hilarious sandwich.

Capricorn:  Your significant other will remind you that they’re just a figment of your imagination.

Aquarius:  You will post something that starts an argument on Facebook, but ends an argument on Twitter.

Pisces:  You’ll be selling comics at the Jersey Shore Comic Book Show on Sunday, June 4th from 10 to 4pm in Smithville, NJ and spend the rest of the week counting your money.

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