If your birthday is this week:  Your Internet friends all wish you a Happy Birthday, but only if you upvote them.

Aries:  You will be beaten by a group of Democrats for your insufficient criticism of the GOP Healthcare plan, fortunately there’s still Obamacare.

Taurus:  Your sandwich will offer you three wishes if you don’t eat it, but you’re really hungry and wish sandwiches are the best.

Gemini:  The stars say, pack your bags because no open wants to see open suitcases lying around your house.

Lemini:  Be nice to that up and coming co-worker, that way when they replace you, they’ll never see the revenge coming.

Cancer:  You’ll got to Starbucks and tell the barista your name is Pierre for no reason.

Leo:  A mummy will wander into your back yard again and eat your tomatoes.

Virgo:  A Leo will stop by your Home Depot for Mummy Repellent.

Libra:  You will suddenly become indecisive about whether or not to get a happy ending at the car wash.

Scorpio:  Your job giving happy endings at the car wash has an unexpected twist.

Sagittarius:  Your idea for giving happy endings at your car wash makes you millions before you’re arrested.

Capricorn:  You’ll arrest some maniac that offered happy endings at his car wash.

Aquarius:  Don’t put off today, because tomorrow it will be yesterday.

Pisces:  You’ll make a tomato salad, but insist you can still taste the Mummy Repellent.