Once again, bros, it’s time to look at movies and decide if they’re worth seeing. These days with movie ticket prices the way they are, why not? Here now is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.
Transformers: The Last Knight: I was once a hardcore fan of this cartoon. This franchise cured me. Thanks Michael Bay.
Despicable Me 3: AKA: Steve Carell gets a paycheck. Jeez, am I going to end up hating cartoons by the end of this summer?
Amityville: The Awakening: Was the adjective “the Bloodening” taken? Talk about ancient movie history.
War of the Planet of the Apes: Just give poor Andy Serkis an award. These movies are remakes of movies that are so far from the original, it’s crazy. I used to watch the original ones because they were so bad, but I’ve already gotten tired of that.
The Hitman’s Bodyguard: Couldn’t Ryan Reynolds just do like four more Deadpool movies?
The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature: Was this part of a contest where the studio asks for the longest most “hilarious” title? Jesus. Will the sequels ever stop?
The Emoji Movie: What’s next? Texting the movie? Live action meme movie? Man, Hollywood, talk about a lack of fucking ideas. I wouldn’t even pitch this as a bit in a movie about how bad Hollywood is. I mean, seriously, I’m sure there’s some talent people involved in this. I think you’d have a better movie if you just put the budget on a skid, forklifted into a room with the cast, director and crew and said, “Here, make a movie.” Even if they stole most of it, I think whatever they made would HAVE to be better than this. I think if you went to a college— No, a high school, with the single worst GPA in the world and did the same thing, that movie would still be better that whatever this is. If you picked a random YouTube video that was two hours long from a random YouTuber, THAT would probably better.
Well, looks like it’s going to be another long Summer of Suck in the movie theaters. Fortunately, I’m so far behind on my Netflix viewing and all the other shit I haven’t watched on On-Demand, I can spend summer safely nestled away at home, without dropping $20 on tickets and popcorn. I’ll continue to watch Fargo and American Gods, thanks.
