If your birthday is this week: You’ll be frozen to be thawed out on your next birthday so no one has to hear you bitch for a year.
Aries: You’ll win a corncob pipe in a Popeye contest because of your swollen forearms.
Taurus: The stars say, expired mayo will be the key to getting out of that picnic with your girlfriend.
Gemini: Donald Trump will ask you to pretend to be president for the next six weeks so he can go to guitar camp.
Lemini: It’s your friend’s birthday this week, so you’ll freeze him in a block of ice and go to jail for murder.
Cancer: You will make some macaroons in your sleep, but you’ll only be able to eat them in your dreams.
Leo: You’ll hit on 17 because 16 would be statutory rape in your state.
Virgo: Rather than attempt to remove your Hillary bumper stickers, you just push your car into a ravine.
Libra: Some moon men will bring you cheese, but they’ll actually be meth dealers and they’ll actually bring you a charcuterie platter full of meth.
Scorpio: You’ll enjoy a sensual bike ride and then a sensual stay in the local jail for indecent exposure.
Sagittarius: This week, hurry the fuck up.
Capricorn: You’ll have dim sum by yourself, but eat it like you were five people.
Aquarius: You write an embarrassing rap song about pie.
Pisces: Your post online goes viral, meaning that it makes everyone sick.
