Super Frat

If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday candles will explode to celebrate the birth of our country and embed jimmies under your skin for the rest of your days.

Aries:  George Washington will come back from the grave to celebrate the holiday and Donald Trump will call him a pussy on Twitter.

Taurus:  Your red, white and blue hotdog is gross.  No one wants whipped cream and blueberries on a hotdog.

Gemini:  The stars say, no one will appreciate your red, white and blue thong at the funeral procession.

Lemini:  The ghost of Thomas Jefferson tells Democrats to stop fucking talking about Russia.

Cancer:  You will find a real copy of the Declaration of Independence, but it contains several paragraphs that make it illegal to announce spoilers to a movie, so it may not be authentic.

Leo:  The spirit of Thomas Paine will appear to you, but you won’t even know who he is, so he’ll just kick you in the nuts.

Virgo:  You’ll be possessed by Betsy Ross and attempt to impose a trademark on the American flag.

Libra:  Your fireworks display is a tribute to America, mostly because you do it illegally on tribal land.

Scorpio:  You’ll have sex with several members of Congress because you figuring they’re fucking everyone in the country anyway.

Sagittarius:  You’ll visit Philadelphia to see where the birth of our nation took place and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Capricorn:  This week, you’ll understand why you shouldn’t smoke a cigar while carrying a paper bag full of illegal fireworks.

Aquarius:  You’ll discover a first draft of the Bill of Rights, which includes the right to “have a beer after work, but before you hear any of the wife’s bullshit”.

Pisces:  You’ll petition Congress to make your driveway the 51st state, but the bill dies in committee.