If your birthday is this week:  It’s summer, so friends grill you a birthday cake.

Aries:  Your original charcoal etchings are worthless as no one wants to see Rosie O’Donnell in the nude.

Taurus:  You’ll severely burn your gums before you realize rappers’ teeth aren’t actually dipped in gold.

Gemini:  You’ll be intensely interrogated by the cops regarding your enormous parade float dedicated to time bombs and cocaine.

Lemini:  You’ll burn your hands making fries until you realize what the basket in the deep fryer is for.

Cancer:  At the atheist retreat at the beach, your sunburn will spell out “God wuz here.”

Leo:  Closing your petting zoo by barbecuing the exhibits turns out to be a bad but delicious idea.

Virgo:  The comedians at your roast dispense with insults and go right to punching you in the balls.

Libra:  You will discover several leprechaun’s in your car’s grill after your drive around Dublin.

Scorpio:  Your doctor advises that the only way to get rid of the striped bruising is to stop banging prisoners.

Sagittarius:  This week, Bear Grylls will knock on the restroom stall and ask if you can give him a drink.

Capricorn:  Under relentless questioning from your girlfriend, you’ll finally admit that she does kinda look fat in that outfit.

Aquarius:  The ghost of Peter Cook will appear to you and have to explain who he is.

Pisces:  Your car engine turns out not to be the best place to grill a steak.