If your birthday is this week:  You birthday gifts will all come from the same gas station gift rack.

Aries:  Your dream of it raining pizza rolls is realized when your microwave explodes.

Taurus:  You’ll realize the monkey that offered to do your taxes was actually scamming you.

Gemini:  A homeless guy will give you a dollar and tell you to get some new clothes.

Lemini:  You’ll be asked to stop trying to use words like “ethos” in your sentences.

Cancer:  The firing range will ask you to leave because your screaming “Pew!  Pew-Pew!” over the shots is distracting to the other shooters.

Leo:  You’ll find yourself sexually attracted to a snow cone machine.

Virgo:  You’ll discover that restaurant won’t take the money you print, no matter how much extra you offer for a tip.

Libra:  Your dance battle will go poorly, leaving six dead and several dozen wounded.

Scorpio:  You’ll find a way to use a bookmark sexually.

Sagittarius:  Your barbecue consultant quits abruptly leaving you with partially cooked rib tips.

Capricorn:  Your fencing class will be forced to defend a lady’s honor and fight a bunch of pirates.

Aquarius:  The stars say never give up your dreams because other people need someone to laugh at.

Pisces:  The porn reviewers will call your new porn script derivative.