While I was writing for Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, I had SO MANY unsold jokes. Some are really dated, but some still hold up. You be the judge!
Maintenance crews at American Airlines got a surprise on Thursday. During a routine check of the cockpit, they found $3 million dollars worth of cocaine. Almost immediately, Marion Barry called off the search for his missing luggage.
Alec Baldwin was acquitted of assault charges against of a photographer today, but he will get 90 days in a county jail for “The Get Away”.
The owners of Betty Crocker gave her a new face. It was compiled from pictures of 75 different women. This is the eighth time Betty has had her face altered, which is four times less than Elizabeth Taylor.
In Homerville, GA, a “veteran” outdoorsman was found after being lost for 41 days on an island in the Okefenokee (Oak-ee-fen-Oak-ee) Swamp. He survived by eating bugs and drinking swamp water. He lost 50 pounds and nearly died. But he says the worst part of the whole ordeal is that he couldn’t get the theme song from “Friends” out of his head.
A man in a ski mask risked getting arrested and losing his life, when he snuck back into an evacuated town in Wisconsin to save a cat. The cat belonged to a disabled woman, who lived too close to the propane tankers left over from a nearby train wreck. She says it just goes to show you that men will do anything for pussy.
Terrible news out of Florida, another tourist, this time a Canadian, was killed in a robbery. Crime has gotten so out of control, they’re thinking about changing the state motto to “Florida: It’s all I have, don’t hurt me.”
Police in Teaneck, NY have finally caught the “culinary criminal”. This guy not only robbed your house, but he would also cook himself a meal and eat it. Police finally caught him, by setting a trap and leaving one house full of nothing but Ramen Noodles.
Democratic Convention organizers are urging that the convention be cut from four days to three, because they’re afraid it will be too boring. This prompted a furious Al Gore to nearly break out in an expression.
Out of Washington, a report on drug use says there is good news and bad news. The bad news is that heroine use is on the rise, but the good news is it now comes in a convenient gel cap.
Talks are continuing in the two week old strike by UAW workers against General Motors. If the lack of progress continues, GM says it may have to delay next year’s recalls for months.
Jimmy Hoffa Jr., son of the ex-labor leader, is running for president of the teamsters. He’s so confident of a win, he’s already picked out the foundation to be buried in.
A 6 year-old in Maplewood, NJ got a jury summons in the mail. The interesting thing is, before they corrected the mistake she had already called up and said she couldn’t make it because of a job interview. Isn’t that cute?
The Klu Klux Klan museum was vandalized yesterday, destroying Klan memorabilia and artifacts. Klan spokesmen are hoping the vandal is found, so they can hire him to wreck some synagogues.
Michael Jackson just signed a multi-million dollar entertainment deal with a Saudi Arabian prince. He was a little disappointed afterwards. He was under the impression that they only gave the title of prince to little boys.
It’s New Year’s Day in Iran. As is tradition, thousands of people turned out in Tehran to watch the martyr drop.
In an effort to soften his image yesterday, Pat Buchanan freed his slaves.
New York City’s finest have started an anti-corruption campaign in the police academies. The goal is to pre-empt corruption in the police force. For instance, graduates are taught that when you are offered a bribe, make sure your commanding officer is notified immediately so he can receive his cut.
The Pope made his first public appearance since his illness. Unfortunately, he did see his shadow, so it’ll be another fifty years of no abortions.
