Your Fratoscope: January 30, 2011on January 30, 2011 at 2:40 am
If your birthday is this week: The brewery down the street will explode and for one brief, shining moment, the street will be full of beer. Don’t get caught unawares. Have a clean bucket on hand.
Aries: Bad news, at the end of an upcoming job interview, your potential employer will punch you in the dick and run out of the room. You’ll curse a blue streak, shocking everyone on that office floor. But good news, turns out the guy that punched you didn’t even work there.
Taurus: The stars say, stop going to that massage parlor with the Emo massage girls. They ruin happy endings.
Gemini: Don’t go to the office today. One of the secretaries is having a birthday and there is an odd number slices of cake. Wouldn’t you rather have a day off than cake?
Lemini: Your History Term Paper is so riddled with inaccuracies, you are demoted to the special remedial classes reserved for college students with severe brain damage.
Cancer: This week, Stacy Keibler will lean on your car. You won’t mind
Leo: The stars say, you will be pantsed this week, probably at work. Wear clean underwear for once.
Virgo: Stiff the waitress, she didn’t forget your home fries, she got hungry waiting for you pancakes.
Libra: The present you buy for a close associate will be greatly appreciated. Almost no one ever buys their bookie a gift.
Scorpio: If you want to stop getting so much junk mail, stop fucking the mailman every time the Post Office assigns a new one.
Sagittarius: The good news is, you remember where you left your lost wedding room. The bad news is, it’s on the nightstand in that brothel.
Capricorn: You roommate will do a lot of moaning and bed creaking tonight. Tell him to masturbate when you’re not there next time.
Aquarius: You will find a used condom in your wastepaper basket and distinct butt cheek marks on your desk at work. Time to fire that co-ed cleaning crew.
Pisces: Your beer pong game gets out of hand. Remember, never play against Charlie Sheen. Ever.