If your birthday is this week:  The brewery down the street will explode and for one brief, shining moment, the street will be full of beer.  Don’t get caught unawares.  Have a clean bucket on hand.

Aries:  Bad news, at the end of an upcoming job interview, your potential employer will punch you in the dick and run out of the room.  You’ll curse a blue streak, shocking everyone on that office floor.  But good news, turns out the guy that punched you didn’t even work there.

Taurus:  The stars say, stop going to that massage parlor with the Emo massage girls.  They ruin happy endings.

Gemini:  Don’t go to the office today.  One of the secretaries is having a birthday and there is an odd number slices of cake.  Wouldn’t you rather have a day off than cake?

Lemini:  Your History Term Paper is so riddled with inaccuracies, you are demoted to the special remedial classes reserved for college students with severe brain damage.

Cancer:   This week, Stacy Keibler will lean on your car.  You won’t mind

Leo:  The stars say, you will be pantsed this week, probably at work.  Wear clean underwear for once.

Virgo:  Stiff the waitress, she didn’t forget your home fries, she got hungry waiting for you pancakes.

Libra:  The present you buy for a close associate will be greatly appreciated.  Almost no one ever buys their bookie a gift.

Scorpio:  If you want to stop getting so much junk mail, stop fucking the mailman every time the Post Office assigns a new one.

Sagittarius:  The good news is, you remember where you left your lost wedding room.  The bad news is, it’s on the nightstand in that brothel.

Capricorn:  You roommate will do a lot of moaning and bed creaking tonight.  Tell him to masturbate when you’re not there next time.

Aquarius:  You will find a used condom in your wastepaper basket and distinct butt cheek marks on your desk at work.  Time to fire that co-ed cleaning crew.

Pisces:  Your beer pong game gets out of hand.  Remember, never play against Charlie Sheen.  Ever.