If your birthday is this week:  Godzilla will stop just short of stepping on your house, but fills your backyard with poop.

Aries:  Your neighbors will bring you a “Welcome to the Neighborhood” gift.  Unfortunately, you moved to a bad neighborhood.  Hope you like your basket of crack.

Taurus:  Gordon Ramsey will yell at you for the way you stack your recyclables for the trash collectors.  He’s not shooting a new reality show, he’s just really annoyed at the way you did it.

Gemini:  You will invent an even bigger Starbucks cup called the “Mega Trenta” which is enough to replace the blood inside an average human being with coffee.

Lemini:  Your Dilbert Calendar maybe be defective.  This week’s Dilbert cartoons just has him yelling profanities and giving you the finger.

Cancer:  Your cat will leave you and sue you for possession of your couch.  It’s okay, he scratched it up anyway.

Leo:  Listen to your heart.  If you make yourself a salad and keep substituting the lettuce for bacon, you’re gonna die.

Virgo:  You’re fired from you job at the fudge factory after being transferred to the packing section.  Turns out, they heard that joke too many times.

Libra:  Your previous roommate will confront your current one and demand to know, “Is this the whore you’re rooming with now?!”

Scorpio:  Just when your job search seem to be going nowhere, you get a job interview with an old friend and apparently, he’ll give you anything you want as long as you don’t tell anyone about his foot fetish and if you walk on his testicles with spiked heels once a week.

Sagittarius:  The star say, relax, no one saw you steal those KitKat bars.  It’s been three weeks.  Just eat them.

Capricorn:  This week you’ll finally get a chance to catch up on your reading.  The judge sentences you to 90 days.

Aquarius:  Green Bay by 12. Bet it all!

Pisces:  A ghost that lives in your house finally reveals itself to you.  It tells you to please close your bathrobe when you walk around the house.