Jan03

Frat Boy at the Movies: True Grit

by tonyd on January 3, 2011 at 12:02 am

My initial reaction to hearing about this remake by the Coen brothers was, “Why are the Coen brothers doing a remake?”  These two great directors can surely come up with new and unique stories.  But hey, it’s the Coen brothers, so you really can’t go wrong.

And is it only me, but was John Wayne never that great of an actor?  I mean, sure, he’s an icon, but he was kind of the same in every movie.  Jeff Bridges on the other hand is on a fucking roll.  True Grit is a fine edition to his resume.  Check out the original trailer and then the new one below.

And as good as Jeff Bridges is, his co-star, Hailee Steinfield.  Holy shit, does she have a career ahead of her.  And that’s not all.  Josh Brolin and Matt Damon make great supporting actors.  Those two could’ve easily thrown their egos and weight around to get more screen time, but they do what good actors are suppose to do, they provide support for their fellow actors.

The basic story of True Grit is this: a 14 year-old girl, played by Steinfeld, has to hire Bridges to avenge her father’s death at the hands of Brolin.  Damon plays a Texas Ranger that’s been chasing Brolin for months for another crime and a fat reward.  Of course, the Wild West isn’t very accommodating to the young girl and they try to discourage her at every turn.

The dialogue is great.  It’s pulled mostly from the book and has a real genuine feel.  The humor comes out of the situations and the simple nature of people.  Nothing seems contrived and the story unfolds in a way that feels like it really happened.

True Grit is not one to miss, bros.  I give it 10 out of 10 keggers.

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Jan02

Your Fratoscope: January 2, 2011

by tonyd on January 2, 2011 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:   Whitney Houston will sing at your birthday party.  Afterwards, you’ll give her a ride to the bus.

Aries:  Your New Year’s resolution goes out the window earlier than expected, but you had to masturbate to that picture of Amy Winehouse one last time.

Taurus:  You’ll still be hungover and no one knows what happened to your pants.  Maybe next time, don’t pace yourself David Cassidy.

Gemini:  Your roommate is pissed at you for designating your shared room as “Puke Central” for New Year’s Eve.  Don’t expect your half of the dorm room deposit back.

Lemini:  You will finish unwrapping gifts from your shopaholic mom sometime on Friday.

Cancer:  Relax.  Your girlfriend will never find out you cheated on her over Christmas break.  Every time she’s in a gangbang, it completely erases her memory.

Leo:  You’re not sure what you did on break, but there are a ton of used condoms in your wastepaper basket.

Virgo:  Your finally arrive in Times Square.  The ball has already dropped and everyone is gone, except Dick Clark, who is still slowly walking to his car.

Libra:  Your trash talk on Xbox Live bites you in the ass.  It turns out, that guy you’ve been calling the “N-word” has discovered that you live in his dorm.   He pays you a visit after football practice and beats the “S-word” out of you.

Scorpio:  You will find three candy bars in a bindle left behind by that hobo you fucked.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, get ready, because this is the year everything changes!  Nah, the stars just fuckin’ with ya.  It’s going to be a repeat of the 2010 shitfest.

Capricorn:  You plan to rob an IHOP goes awry when your accomplice fills his money bag with pancakes.  In his defense, you do have a delicious brunch before the cops arrive.

Aquarius:  Your New Year’s resolutions will be complete as you will bungee jump, skydive, climb a mountain and kick Mike Tyson in the balls.  Technically, you can’t write a book with all your bones broken, but you have the outline in your head.

Pisces:  Your attempt to return your Christmas gift goes awry when the tiger escapes and eats the mailman as he tries to carry the box back to his car.  Well, that’s what you get for buying off ebay.

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Dec29

Twitter in Focus: Lizz Winstead

by tonyd on December 29, 2010 at 12:35 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to another edition of Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  This week’s contestant is Lizz Winstead, co-creator of the Daily Show.  She’s got an amazing track record of funny, let’s see if her tweets match up.

13 hours ago:  “I have lost 40 followers in the past 2 days. Between Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Breakfast with Assange, I am an alienation machine!”

Yeah, I tend to piss off people too.  Maybe I shouldn’t slap ’em around so much.  Who am I kidding?  I love slapping people!

13 hours ago:  “Wish many of those dogs #Vick destroyed could have gotten a second chance.”

I know!  Most of his fight never lasted past the first round.  A total rip off.

11 hours ago:  “Because of evolution, my dogs can’t tweet abt animal abuse. I resent tht cause I do, ppl infer Im ignoring human abuse or care less abt it.”

If my dog would tweet, it would probably just keep posting links to various meats she wants to eat.  Very non-subtle tweets.  I would probably have to de-list her and then that would make letting her out each time extremely awkward.

7 hours ago:  “Going to a tech runthru at Parkway Theater in #MPLS for my New Years Eve Shows! Hope I see ya there! #MN http://bit.ly/cO25sW”

Man, that sounds like an awesome show.  Wish I could go, but I’m in NJ where it just feels like Minneapolis right now.

6 hours ago:  “There is all kinds of guilt attached to being pissed at an elderly asshole.”

Unless it’s Madonna.  Total exception.

6 hours ago:  “I just put my over thinking cap on.”

Wha–?  Okay, here’s some of your stand up.

41 minutes ago: “Pajama Jeans? Why not just dye your legs navy and never shower again.”

Waaaaay ahead you.

39 minutes ago: “I feel like now they just invent products whose sole purpose is to become an SNL sketch”

That’s who’s responsible? Dammit, we need to do what we can to stop the next Chris Kattan.

34 minutes ago: “Vagbreez: The alternative to hygene. #WeHaveStoppedTrying”

I think there’s a song parody in that somewhere.

27 minutes ago: “Human Gravy Wipes. The all purpose human fluid sopper upper. #WeHaveStoppedTrying”

You mean these? Yeah. Definitely.

All right, let’s rate Lizz’s tweets. On Insanity, well, she’s very sane, so that’ hurts her score a bit. Then again, she has the kind of “fighting City Hall” ‘tude I admire, so 6. For Style, she’s pretty Stylish, that’s an 8. And Mustness, wow, definitely a 10. She’s relentless. That’s an overall score of 8. Definitely one to follow, especially if you’re a Daily Show fan. And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Dec27

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on December 27, 2010 at 12:01 am


translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Whacking It in Washington,

Great Señor Cactus,

My boyfriend is great.  He’s attentive, kind and doesn’t pressure me for sex.  But he masturbates almost constantly.  I mean, it’s ridiculous sometimes.  He’ll just come by my room and if I can’t have sex with him right then, he’ll just say, “I’m going to rub one out in the bathroom.”  He once had sex with me, went into the bathroom to get rid of the condom and I walk in on him a few minutes later wanking it to a Cosmo.  Is this normal?

Sincerely,

Briana, 19, American U

Dear Wanker Girl

Cactus say, dis is perfectly normal for a college age man in his sexual prime.  Cactus say, when he was in his prime, he couldn’t stop pollenatin’ everything with chlorophyll!  If you got some time, lay back and enjoy da ride!  Much like current episodes of American Idol, it’s all downhill from here.  Remember dat when yer 40 and yer as horny has a rhino in heat!

Avenging in Atlanta

Dear Señor Cactus,

My roommate figured out my password and has been reading my email.  To get revenge, I created a fake email that’s similar to the one his girlfriend has and I’ve been pretending to correspond back and forth with her.  I’ve made mention of the several times we’ve had sex, especially anal sex, which my roommate has never experienced.  This has been going on for about two weeks, in which time, he’s become despondent, has been drinking heavily and missing classes.  Now his grades are slipping and he’s about to be kicked out of college.  Have I gone too far?

Barry, 20, CAU

Dear Captain Awesome

Cactus say, too far?  Not if you want a single!

High in New Haven

Cactus dude:

What is the perfect food to eat when you are high?

Signed,
Some Dude, 420 Forever

Dear Bong Brother

Cactus eat dirt, so Mistah Shit field dis one.  Da best ting you can eat is anything with crispy bacon on it.  There is nothing dat bacon can’t make better!  Even Doritos!  Even bacon!

Table Dancer in Tahoe

Dear Señor Cactus,

I’m dating a stripper, but I don’t think I can handle it anymore.  She is constantly being hit on by guys whenever we go out and she’s really overtly sexual.  It’s great being with her, but I can’t take the thought of her doing another guy.  How can I learn to trust her or should I break it off?

Donavan, 20, Sierra Nevada College

Dear Lucky Dumbass

Cactus say, dating a stripper is every man’s dream.  Yer problem is, having a relationship with a stripper is every man’s nightmare.  Eliminate the relationship!  Just consider her an incredibly sexy friend with benefits!  Problem solved!

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