If your birthday is this week: You will drop your nachos at the baseball game on the biker gang member on the seat in front of you. Fortunately, you’ll have time to hand your empty plate to your 6 year-old niece in the seat next to you.
Aries: You will have an erotic dream that will be interrupted by a commercial for carpet store.
Taurus: Charleton Heston will come to you in a dream and ask you to water his lawn. When you explain that he doesn’t own that lawn anymore, he threatens you a gunpoint. Better do it.
Gemini: This week, watch out for unexplained toast.
Lemini: Your experiment finally breaks free and starts trashing the city. Fortunately, you’re prepared and you’ll be in Mexico in your back up lab before the cops trace it back to you.
Cancer: The stars say, you will discover that the guy that rips out your kitchen promising to remodel it on his TV show, doesn’t really have a TV show or a contractor license.
Leo: Finally, buying all those lottery tickets pays off: the clerk at the minimart feels so badly you pissed away your life savings, he gives you a soda.
Virgo: You will be hired by a Giant Soda Lobby to make sure Mayor Bloomberg’s law doesn’t come a reality. You’ll be paid well, but all that soda you drink eventually gives you diabetes.
Libra: You’ll be spending a lot of time outside this week, so enjoy it. It won’t last long, the guards eventually notice you’re gone.
Scorpio: While watching an extremely explicit porno, you’ll recognize the couch the three main characters are on. No wonder it was such a deal on Craigslist.
Sagittarius: Superman will save the plane that you’re on from crashing, but then he’ll drop it in a lake after you try to hit on that hot female reporter in the seat next to you. Worth it.
Capricorn: Your best friend will ask you to help get rid of a body. After several arduous hours of chopping, wrapping and cleaning up blood, you eventually get rid of it. When you ask your roommate why he did it, he’ll say that he just assumed you killed him.
Aquarius: Your exterminator will get pulled into the darkest part of your basement by a group of swarming insects. On the upside, no bill.
Pisces: Your dog will forge your signature to co-sign for a car loan, but she gets a great group rate from an online car insurance company and ends up saving you money.
