If your birthday is this week:  You will learn that you are going to Hell, unfortunately it’s not even for any of your best sins.

Aries:  You 4/20 celebration goes according to plan since reading this Fratoscope is the first thing you’re going to remember since Friday.

Taurus:  A very confused Dick Cheney will stop you on the street and will demand you recite the lyrics to “The Oscar Meyer Wiener” song.  If you get them wrong, prepared to be waterboarded.

Gemini:  You will discover the curse of the mummy merely means it’s going to rain tomorrow, so kick open that tomb!

Lemini:   Due to an error in your hieroglyphics reading, your Gemini associate will be consumed by locusts.

Cancer:  The stars say, stop calling or the stars are calling the cops.

Leo:  A hipster zombie will refuse to bite you because you’re too bourgeois.

Virgo:  This week, President Obama will award you a medal, that costs the taxpayers close to a million dollars.  That’s only because it contains a targeting chip so a predator drone can find you easier.

Libra:  Your Virgo roommate will mysteriously explode on the balcony this week.

Scorpio:  It will be a slow week for you, so feel free to cut down your normal condom order at Costco.

Sagittarius:  Based on a recent article you read on the Internet, you take the best dump of your life at a Hampton Inn.

Capricorn:  You will discover that climbing a tree to get away from a bear just makes him more determined to eat you.

Aquarius:  You family holds an Intervention.  As a group, they’ll decide it’s best to kick you now before they become any more dependent on you.

Pisces:  You’ll spend a tough week helping the Missus in the hospital, but you’ll get to pick the movie for the rest of the year!