Super Frat

Mar26

Ten Apocalypses You’ll Never See

by tonyd on March 26, 2012 at 1:18 am

Ten Apocalypses You’ll Never See by Tony DiGerolamo

1. World Wide Suicide: You know, like in The Happening. This would never happen, unless you forced everyone to watch that movie.

2. Mass Electrocution: Starting on the coast of every continent, a guy standing knee-deep in the ocean attempts to recover a toaster which is plugged in. Everyone runs to help and one at a time grabs the hand of the previous person being electrocuted.

3. Intellectual Overload: People of the world become so intelligent, that they contemplate the Universe with such fervor they forget to take care of bodily functions like eating.

4. Zombie Mimes: The first zombie mime spotted is immediately shot in the head, thereby preventing the infection from spreading. The shooter later admits that he did not know the mime was a zombie.

5. Serial Killer Over Hunting: After decades of screwing up families, there are so many serial killers that they over hunt the females and eventually wipe out the human race.

6. The Buddhist Rapture Happens: Buddha returns to Earth and offers to take all true-believing Buddhist to Nirvana. Everyone else has to stay behind and contemplate their navels. Religious nut-jobs use nuclear weapons to wipe out everyone just for spite.

7. Insect Revolution: The insects rise up and bite everyone until they die. Only Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney spared.

8. Nuclear Weapons Legalized by NRA: After a massive political push by the NRA, small, tactical nuclear devices are legalized. The first home invasion sets off a chain reaction engulfing the United States. The fallout cloud does the rest.

9. Alien Ships: They land in every major city and what walks out are Tyrannosaurus Rexes in silver uniforms with laser pistols. They are pissed that all the dinosaurs area dead.

10. The Armies of Mordor: Turns out, the Lord of the Rings wasn’t fiction. The Armies have been amassing for centuries and they burst forth through a giant hole in Northern Europe wiping out the continent overnight. After several tactical nuclear strikes, it turns out the radiation just makes Orcs stronger and madder.

Copyright 2012

└ Tags: aliens, armies, Buddhist, electrocution, Insects, Intellectual, mimes, Mordo, nuclear weapons, nukes, Paul McCartney, Rapture, Ringo Starr, serial killers, Super Frat, Ten Apocalypses You'll Never See, Ten Things You'll Never See, The Happening, Tony DiGerolamo, Tyrannosaurus Rex, World Wide Suicide, zombie

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Mar25

Your Fratoscope: March 25, 2012

by tonyd on March 25, 2012 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week: Good news. The space debris will not hit you this week, but you will be suffering from Space Madness.

Aries: You discover that the pushy nun you met, was a dominatrix. That’s probably why she used you as an ottoman for an hour.

Taurus: The stars say, your next wrestling match will turn into a sensual adventure.

Gemini: You will wake up with the words, “This is mine!” written on your ass in lipstick.

Lemini: This week, you’ll notice the pork shoulder you’re eating has a tattoo on it.

Cancer: You will open your freezer and three penguins in camo gear will jump out yelling, “Go-go-go! No man left behind!” They will be carrying a bag of those frozen wings you like.

Leo: You will get punched by Justin Beiber. It won’t hurt and even you won’t be able to sue him for assault with a straight face.

Virgo: Your boss will demand your password to Facebook and that porn site you like.

Libra: You will walk in your cat masturbating to America’s Cutest Dog. Even he’s not a cat person apparently.

Scorpio: You will cut yourself shaving. Next time, be more careful around your genitals.

Sagittarius: You’ll get pulled over for speeding, but the cop lets you go. Not because you’re good at getting out of a ticket, but mostly because the cop doesn’t want to hear you explain why you have a full blown erection.

Capricorn: A homeless person will insult your wardrobe choices. The people on the street in the immediate vicinity will agree.

Aquarius: You will not only find out that your Congressman is corrupt, he’s also the one that’s been stealing your newspaper.

Pisces: Your new webcomic will delight fatties like yourself because it’s about food.

└ Tags: Aquarius, Aries, astrology, Cancer, Capricorn, comedy, frat boy, funny, future, Gemini, horoscope, humor, Lemini, Leo, Libra, parody, Pisces, predictions, psychic, Sagittarius, Scorpio, Taurus, Tony DiGerolamo, Virgo, Your Fratoscope, zodiac

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Mar24

What I’d Like to See Happen: Asteroid Attack

by tonyd on March 24, 2012 at 12:01 am

What I’d Like to See Happen: Asteroid Attacks

You may not be aware, but there’s a pretty good chance a sizable asteroid could hit the Earth someday. Of course, I’m not wishing for that. Who in their right might would wish for planetary annihilation? Maybe Satan or Dick Cheney.

That being said, if something like it were to occur, this is what I’d like to see happen:

The asteroid comes. At first, the various governments of the world try to keep it a secret. As in the case of the current asteroid I linked, since there is no time for a real plan, most governments just make plans to save themselves and their minions.

So naturally, people go bonkers. Speculation runs rampant that this could be the end for everyone. Some scientist predict that if the meteor hits, anyone left outside the government bunkers will be lucky to live through the next year. Martial law is declared and society breaks down as it gets closer to the end.

Rather than try and help people, the governments of the world spend 24/7 in CYA mode. They lock everyone out of the bunkers. They can, they got all the weapons. Religious groups prepare for the end, but in the final moments, some of the leaders crack. They try to get inside those bunkers and the higher-ups succeed.

The asteroid comes and it complete misses. Maybe at the last second, it hits another asteroid or a piece of space junk. Possibly, it just breaks up in the atmosphere and disintegrates harmlessly in the sky. (Now again, people would die, so I’m not advocating THAT. However, if this scenario had to happen…)

When the government bunkers opened, the government would have a lot of explaining to do, as would the religi0us leaders and rich people that slipped in at the last minute. You see, they expected everyone outside to die or get trapped in a massive Ice Age. Since that didn’t happen, there are plenty of weapons left behind for the people outside. And those of us who did get left behind are pretty pissed about it. The compliant media is exposed for lying about the timetable to keep people from rushing the bunkers, but a few stalwart reporters (realizing they couldn’t get in the bunker) actually told us the truth. All the talk of “sacrifice” and “survival of our civilization” turns out to be bullshit. It was the powerful, the rich and politically connected that go in the bunker, not the smart or the young or those with skills.

And despite all the weapons and thugs the governments took inside the bunker to maintain order, it’s nothing compared to what got left outside. So all over the world, in an “Asteroid Spring”, people overthrow their governments. “We didn’t elect you to save yourself. We elected you to protect us!” A few stalwart politicians, (again the ones that didn’t get inside the bunker) take over. There’s a decidedly massive change in how the world is run. Instead of being the first on the metaphorical life raft, government officials are now expected to be the last. The rules change and a massive investigation reveals the hypocrisy of government leaders. Wars grind to a halt as new government leaders work together (not only to prevent the next asteroid close-call) but to work together in general. The Asteroid turns out to be an event that brings the world together.

I know. Corny. Anyhow, that’s what I’d like to see happen.