Tony D is back with a new Walk Show.
Tony D is back with a new Walk Show.
If your birthday is this week: Wesley Snipes calls you and wishes you a happy birthday as part of his court-ordered service. You will ask if you can call him sometime. He’ll tell you, “No.”
Aries: The ghost of Willie Nelson will appear to you and tell you to recheck line 39 on your tax form. When you point out that Willie Nelson isn’t dead, he’ll disappear.
Taurus: You will learn that you cannot deduct massages with happy endings as a medical expense on your taxes.
Gemini: The stars say, check your math. It’s unlikely your cheap calculator is correct since it’s missing a 4.
Lemini: You will learn that you cannot use that homeless guy you gave a dollar to as a dependent.
Cancer: Jason Stathman will bust into your apartment, punch you a few times and scream, “Where’s the girl?!” Have an answer if you value your teeth.
Leo: Your car will transform into an autobot at the gas station and bitch slap you for not buying premium.
Virgo: The squirrels in your backyard get together and spell out the words, “Clothes your bathroom curtain” in acorns in your backyard. So either do that or start working out.
Libra: Mailing your tax return inside a delicious pie does not make the IRS “overlook” the money you owe.
Scorpio: You will be forced to liquidate several of your antique sex toys to pay your taxes.
Sagittarius: This week, you will play some poker. You won’t win, but you’ll get drunk enough to keep repeating this.
Capricorn: You’ll meet O.J. Simpson in a dark alley. He’ll demand to know if you’re the “real killer”. When you tell him no, he’ll just mumble “Aw, shoot.” and walk away.
Aquarius: You pot dealer will send you a reminder for 420. It’ll be dated from 2010.
Pisces: You webcomic premiere will be picked up by major news outlets who are desperate to do any news story that doesn’t center around trying to make Mitt Romney not sound boring.
News, tactless, the way it should be. This is the Rewritten News!
Real: Can Romney Beat the GOP Gloom?
Rewritten: Millionaire Leads Depressed Millionaires
Real: Skyrim Gets Kinect Intergration
Rewritten: Gamers to Have More Free Hands to Shove in Doritos and Mountain Dew
Real: Nashville Predators’ Shea Weber Fined $2,500 for Head Slam
Rewritten: Hockey Player Fined for Pleasing Fans
Real: Employers Not Liable if Workers Skip Breaks, Court Rules
Rewritten: Employers to Make Work Slightly More Shitty
Real: Holding a Gun May Make You Look Bigger, Stronger
Rewritten: Holding a Gun Increases Penis Size
Real: NASA Kind of, Sort of, Maybe Found Life on Mars 36 Years Ago
Rewritten: NASA as Efficient as Other Government Agencies
Real: North Korea’s Rocket Launch Ends in Failure
Rewritten: North Korea Can’t Get it Up
Real: Buffet Rule or Not, Most Rich People Already Pay
Rewritten: Rich People Own More Reporters Than You Think
Real: Baboons Can Recognize Written Words, Study Finds
Rewritten: Jersey Shore Cast Not as Dim as Previously Thought
The Raid: Redemption is an Indonesian action movie about a SWAT team that gets trapped in a tenement building run by a ruthless mobster. It’s pretty fucking badass. I can’t really reveal the plot details, as the revelations are spaced throughout, but it does follow a kind of classic, film noir set-up. Our hero is an honest, rookie cop named Rama, who has a pregnant wife. Rama is played by Iko Uwais, who kicks serious ass throughout. The movie isn’t very heavy on plot, so don’t go if you’re expected The Departed.
Highlights include a deadly kung-fu knife fight (at least two or three times), a creative use for a refrigerator and several intense machete scenes. (The bad guys in this movie really like their machetes.) Yayan Ruhian plays Mad Dog, one of the lead mobsters bodyguards. Unbelievably fast is all I can say about his moves. He’s not in a lot of scenes, but pay attention, because his kicks are just that fast. Do they CGI that stuff? I don’t know. Looked pretty real to me.
This movie is not for the squeamish. There is more stabbing in this movie then all the Friday the 13th’s and Freddy Krueger movies combined. Directed pretty ably by Gareth Evans, the movie was advertised as from “the makers of Kung Fu Hustle”. I’m not sure who carried over from that. Maybe the producers. I honestly expected more comedy, like in Kung Fu Hustle, but the movie did not disappoint. The action was just ridiculously over the top. If you’re looking for a kickass action movie with lots of stabbing, it would be hard to find something better.
I give the movie 8.5 keggers out of 10.
Addanac City
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