If your birthday is this week:  You will get a visit from your childhood hero, Racer X, but a monkey and a kid hiding in the trunk will ruin everything.

Aries:  You will get out of a parking ticket but you’re going to have to make out with the cop for at least 20 minutes.

Taurus:  You parrot will chew you out for your horrible fashion sense.

Gemini:  You discover that the weed your smoking isn’t bad, it’s just that your bong is full of pee.

Lemini:  You will learn that your roommate fits into a suitcase if you cut off his legs first.

Cancer:  You will get into a car accident with a clown car and injure 45 people.

Leo:  Cashing in your spare change goes horrible wrong when you accidentally pour all your change into the bank’s space heater.

Virgo:  Turns out those zombies you shot yesterday were your new neighbors coming to tell you the zombie apocalypse hadn’t started yet.

Libra:  This week, your car will transform into an Autobot and demand a weekly hot wax.

Scorpio:  The stars say, you will discover that you didn’t have sex with one of the Rolling Stones, just a random 87 year-old man.

Sagittarius:  Your tattoo artist will reveal that he thought your tramp stamp would look better if it just said, “Fart Patrol”.

Capricorn:  Batman will beat the crap out of you, then apologize after he checks your driver’s license.

Aquarius:  The ghost of James Brown will appear to tell you that Hell isn’t very funky.

Pisces:  You will enjoy an adequate brunch served by Vin Diesel.