Movies have become frightfully expensive to see in the movie theater. Plus I still haven’t figured out a good way to smuggle in a pizza into the theater. I have to be picky. I could buy an entire pizza for what a movie costs and if the choice is between deliciousness and a cinema suck-fest, I know where I’m going. Here now is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.
The Wolverine: The Wolverine should be in a better The Movie. I mean, are they trying to make me hate this character? How many chances do you get to screw this up before it’s over? Quite frankly, the same things that annoyed me in the comic book are now annoying me in the movies. Yes, Hugh Jackman looks a lot like Wolverine. Get over it, fanboy. At best, I’m going to end up watching this at one of my friend’s house who isn’t completely jaded by the comics or film medium.
The To Do List: Oh, a coming-of-age story you say? Why, I’ve never heard of that! How unique and original! And it takes place in high school. What a unique place to set it! Oh, my! My head is exploding with just thinking how rare and unusual this movie will be!
Jesus Christ, seriously?
The Conjuring: I can hear the reviews already. “The Conjuring fails to conjure up a scare.” “Maybe the makers of this movie should’ve conjured up an original idea.” When the pitch of the movie seriously involves the use of the term “paranormal investigators”, I’m out.
The Smurfs 2: No. Look, can’t we all agree that kids don’t need new movies. They’re kids. They can watch the same shit we did. Why even make new ones? Just hear me out studios. It won’t cost you anything to trot out the same movies over and over again. You’ve got at least 8 years worth of cinema chum, just rotate it. Let the audience turn over and walah! You’ll save a bundle.
Planes: Are you fucking kidding me? You’re running out of inanimate objects to bring to life, Disney/Pixar. What’s left? Let’s see, Boats! (He’s a little tug boat with a big heart!) Trains! (Meet the little engine that could!) Bikes! (Combines the Xtreme Games with a Disney/Pixar movie!) And after two of those, you can expand the Bike universe by doing Skateboard! Handscooter! Maybe bring in the older demo with Segway! and Hover-round!
You’ll get my ticket money…in Hell! Speaking of which…
R.I.P.D.: Does Ryan Reynolds have to be in everything? I can just hear this pitch: It’s M.I.B. with ghosts! Why is it that plots that used to be one episode of a TV show or a series, not get turned into entire movies? Am I crazy? Am I the only one that’s seen this plot like a million times? Jesus Christ, if you’re going to do something from TV at least do it better or bigger or something. I guess there’s more effects and bigger stars, but jeez. Have you seen the trailer? I mean, I don’t think you need to be a screenwriter to fill in the rest of the scenes and know what’s going to happen. I can hear the reviews, “R.I.P.D. is D.O.A.”
You can write the rest.
