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Jul08

Movies I Wish I Missed: Primer

by tonyd on July 8, 2013 at 12:45 am

I’m beginning to think that Netflix is the place where bad movies go to die.  I love time travel movies and this one had a great premise: Two engineers accidentally discover time travel.  That, to me, is a very organic introduction to time travel because that’s how a lot of inventions are created.  The set up is actually very good.

A group of small time inventors with their own company are experimenting and desperate for cash.  After two of the inventors accidentally discover that one of the objects they used their machine on is covered with a strange fungus, analysis proved that it moved through time.

Unfortunately, their own analysis confuses the plot to begin with.  This fungus takes a long time to grow and they eventually figure out that it grows at the rate of 1344 minutes for every 1 minute.  Okay, assuming they didn’t just invent a machine that ages fungus, sure, it’s traveling through time, but only forward.  One of the inventors has a theory that the age is created by an infinite loop that eventually collapses, meaning that the item is actually traveling back and forth in time, eventually ending up in the future.  But one of them theorizes that if the process was stopped at the right moment, they could step out in the past around the time the machine was turned on.

I was willing to accept this theory, but it was hard to hear and the movie just gets more confusing from there.  The duo exercise stock options, but in such a boring way, we never get to see the pay off.  Where’s the scene with the champagne?  Or spending way too much money?  At some point, the movie just becomes devoid of any other characters and the development of said characters is non-existent.

By the time this movie ends, you feel like the makers inserted a twist just to have one and it is so poorly explained and visualized that I don’t know if I could explain it if I tried.  This movie needed at least another rewrite, two or three more scenes and at least one more character with lines.  It’s really just unfinished.  So skip Primer, unless you have a working time machine that can prevent yourself from watching it later.

└ Tags: 2004, cinema, film, movie, Movies I Wish I Missed, Netflix, Primer, rating, review, Super Frat, Tony DiGerolamo
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Jul07

Your Fratoscope: July 7, 2013

by tonyd on July 7, 2013 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  You’ll be so busy this week, even you will forget your birthday and in anger, stop talking to yourself.

Aries:  Your online friend Edward asks you to check the apartment rentals in Venezuela and not to ask anymore questions.

Taurus:  You will be visited by three ghosts, all of which would like to borrow money.

Gemini:  The stars say, check your pockets before you launder them.  Typically, Girl Scout cookies don’t survive a wash.

Lemini:  Your long lost brother returns and insists on seeing the Lone Ranger this week.  You decide to wait another few decades to see him again.

Cancer:  You will be struck by a baseball and mugged by the San Diego Padres.

Leo:  Your car will be towed out of your parking space and back into the same space before you notice, but you’ll know.

Virgo:  Your girlfriend will finally reappear and you will be able to sue that magician.

Libra:  A crackhead will whisper the secrets of the Universe to you, but you’ll be too uptight to listen just because he’s peeing on you.

Scorpio:  This week, you’ll have to cut back and will decide you’re putting far too much make up on your genitals.

Sagittarius:  You’ll get a golden ticket!  Unfortunately, it’s just the cops making their speeding tickets look nicer.

Capricorn:  You’ll find that thing you were looking for last week and lose something else that you need right now.

Aquarius:  The sixty-eight cents you have in your pocket will change to another denomination of money as you’re reading this.

Pisces:  You’ll sneak out of the house to eat sushi again, because $9.95 per person, all-you-can-eat at this place, is fucking unbelievable.

└ Tags: 2013, Aquarius, Aries, astrology, birthday, Cancer, Capricorn, comedy, Edward, funny, Gemini, golden ticket, horoscope, humor, July 7, Lemini, Leo, Libra, parody, Pisces, Sagittarius, San Diego Padres, Scorpio, Super Frat, Taurus, Tony DiGerolamo, Venezuela, Virgo, Winnie Q, Your Fratoscope, zodiac
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Jul05

Ten Things I Learned That Are Better Than Watching Fireworks on July 4th

by tonyd on July 5, 2013 at 1:56 am

1. Televised fireworks from your air-conditioned house.

2.  Any Michael Bay movie (likely to have more explosions).

3.  Your grill cooking delicious burgers.

4.  Pictures of girls with big breasts.

5.  News stories about how people got hurt during fireworks displays, watched from your air-conditioned, safe home.

6.  Cute animals falling asleep.

7.  A game of The Simpsons: Tapped Out.

8.  Reading any news site with actual news.

9.  Anything that’s inside with air-conditioning.

10.  Porn

 

└ Tags: burgers, cute animals falling asleep, fireworks, July 4th, Michael Bay, Super Frat, Ten Things I Learned, Ten Things I Learned That Are Better Than Watching Fireworks on July 4th, The Simpsons: Tapped Out, Tony DiGerolamo
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Jul04

Rewritten Headlines: Mouse to Drones

by tonyd on July 4, 2013 at 12:01 am

Inventor Clicks Last Link

Scientists Still Geeks

World Leaders Disagree on How Best to Share Spying Power

Police Still Imagine They Can Save People From Terrorism

Rich People Pretend Law Matter

Celebrity Realizes Internet Full of Assholes

Bionic Woman Not That Far Off

Elderly Hunted

Duck to Park Closest to Stores

America Still Spreading “Freedom”

 

└ Tags: Alec Baldwin, America, Bionic ear, comedy, current events, Drones, duck, Fed, fish, freedom, funny, Germany, headlines, humor, mouse, News, police, Rewritten Headlines, Rewritten News, satire, Star Trek, Super Frat, Tony DiGerolamo, Twitter
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