If your birthday is this week: You will be indoctrinated by some hipsters into their cult, which they were into way before you.
Aries: A sewer monster will borrow your car, drive to the city and return it undamaged, but with no gas.
Taurus: Remember that 80’s movie where pouring a soda over your computer created a monster? Well, that sorta happens, only no monster and you need a new computer.
Gemini: The leprechauns that live in your lawn go on strike.
Lemini: You’re very popular today, unfortunately will all the people fighting to get to give you the Heimlick maneuver, you choke.
Cancer: The stars say, drive to the south point of town, flash your headlights and await instructions.
Leo: Wedding bells are in your future. Your friend is getting married and needs some place to store them until the wedding.
Virgo: The valet will change all your radio stations.
Libra: Your mailman will lecture you on why a hand written letter is “more personal” than an email. You’ll become his pen pal to shut him up.
Scorpio: Turns out, jalapeño flavored condoms burn the mouth and any place else you put them.
Sagittarius: Your attempt at Tokyo drifting lands your car inside a tool shed, upside down.
Capricorn: Your cellphone will die while you’re trying to get directions. Maybe next time, play Fruit Ninja later.
Aquarius: This week, brace yourself for a roller coaster ride at work! Unless, you’re a carnie, in which case it’s pretty much work as usual.
Pisces: Aliens land in your backyard, tell you to mow it and then take off.
