I don’t remember why I wrote this story.  I did go through a vampire phase.  (Not Twilight vampires.)  I’m not sure the copyright is that new, I remember the story being older.  I used to play Vampire LARP’s to try and hook up with hot Goth chicks.  Anyhow, enjoy a little prose.  I’m sure Count Steve would dig it.

Why I’m no Longer Speaking to David

written by Tony DiGerolamo

Copyright 2010

            “You j-j-j-j-jackass!” I sputtered angrily, slamming my hand on the hood of the SUV and leaving a bloody handprint.  “How are we going to get back home David?!”

            The rave had lasted until 5AM.  The girls only lasted until four.  I hadn’t even bothered to wipe the blood from my mouth when I dropped the corpse of my date and turned to David in the darkened alley and said, “Will you hurry up, please?”  This broke the trance and David found himself struggling to hold on to the 19 year-old college coed with fishnets. 

            “Helph me,” mumbled David through her neck.

            She tore away from him, the blood spurting across the alley into my face.  What had started out as a clean kill had become a complete mess.  David’s date still had enough vocal chords left to utter a bone-chilling scream.  Seconds later we found ourselves running through the worst part of North Philadelphia, at night, trying to avoid the cops and covered in blood.  By some miracle, I managed to spot the top of William Penn’s hat on city hall and get us back to the SUV.  There was only one problem.

            David lost the keys!

            “This is unbelievable!” I ranted.  “How could you be so irresponsible?”

            “Back off, Sam!  That girl had a lot to drink!  She was probably a borderline alcoholic.  If you hadn’t interrupted me, I wouldn’t have gotten into a fight with her and dropped the keys!”

            “Oh, save it, David!  You’re no good in a crisis!  Let’s face it!  That night in Berlin, for instance, running from the jackboots.”

            “Knock it off, Sam.”

            “No, I won’t knock it off, David!  You never stick to the plan!  I said we should get out by 3AM, but noooooooo,” I intoned, exaggerating the last word as much as possible.

            “This is your fault!” he insisted, waving his finger at me.  “If you hadn’t insisted on dancing with them!  This is just like Versailles, Sam!”

            “Oh, that’s just great!  Great!” I said as sarcastically as I could manage.  “Like I was supposed to blow off an invitation from Louis the XIV’s niece!”

“You could of!”

“She was the niece of the King of France, David!  Not one of your Dodge City goodtime girls!  And since you’re going to bring up ancient history, why don’t we talk about that little stunt you pulled back in Roanoke!”

“You promised you would never bring that up!” David said, outraged and betrayed.

“Well, let’s bring it up!  Then!  Huh?  A whole colony wiped out!  Why?!” I said, mocking him as much as possible.  “Because David couldn’t feed on the American Natives!  No!  Their blood was no good!”

“Fine, I’m a racist!  Just go ahead and say it,” admitted David bitterly.  “But you know better, that was the time!  You called them savages too!  You’re no better!”

“You got to like their blood after a few years, didn’t you?!  After we were stuck in North America with nothing to feed on, but American Indians!  Yeah!  Great idea, David!  Kill the only people that had access back to Europe!  It was a real treat burying myself in the friggin’ dirt for 150 years waiting to the Europeans to colonize America, David!”

“If you want to talk about stupid, let’s talk about you!” insisted David, walking around to the front of the SUV to confront me.  “Let’s talk about that little party you had with Emperor Nero!”

I gasped.  This was way beyond insulting!

“That was completely different and you know it!” I yelled back.

“Who lit the slave on fire, Sam?  Me?  Nope!  Nero?  Nope!  It was you!”

“I was fresh out of the grave!” I insisted.  “Not more than 100 years!  You did some things too!”

“I didn’t burn down half of Rome, Sam!  I didn’t wipe out 1/3 of the vampire population at the time and then another 1/6 covering it up!  Let’s face it, Sam, there’s only one real monster standing on this street!”

Well, that was it!  The next thing you know, we were brawling in the street like a couple of Visigoths!  Oh!  It was embarrassing!  We hadn’t fought an opponent with comparable physical strength in a 1000 years!  We looked like schoolboys, rolling around in the filth-encrusted street!

“You boys better knock it off,” warned a voice.

Some homeless mortal stood over us.  I suppose he thought he was doing us a favor.  David took advantage of the distraction to poke me in the eye!  I wish I could just strangle him sometimes!  The old man shrugged and headed on his way.  That’s when it hit us.  The old man had blocked the sun just as it rose above a building.  The sun’s rays quickly burned off our legs from the knees down.

“Ow!” I screamed.  “Let go of me, you fool!”

David wasn’t paying attention.  I suppose he just assumed I was causing him pain.  The sun went right up our bodies.  I tried to roll our legless torsos toward the open sewer, but the light just continued to vaporize us.  Finally, just as it reached our necks, a cloud passed by, but the momentum of our rolling took our heads into the sewer, while our bodies continued to vaporize on the street.

The sewers in Philadelphia are quite old for America.  The muck and the mire swept us away dropping us several levels below the ground.  Finally, my head came to rest near a particularly large, vile pile of feces.  David’s head landed somewhere across the room on its side.  His ear pushed deep into the muck and his head was facing away from me.

“Sam?  Sam!” he screamed.  “Oh, God!  Sam!”

He can keep calling all he wants!  After what he said, I am not talking to David!