If your birthday is this week: Your friends throw you a surprise party and the surprise is, it’s actually an intervention.
Aries: You’ll fart in an elevator and attempt to cover it up with twerking.
Taurus: The stars say, they will catch you wackin’ it on Google Street View…again.
Gemini: You week (and colon) will be full of fart-inducing foods.
Lemini: You will win a car, but sadly, it’s a Volkswagon Jetta.
Cancer: Some strangers will approach you and demand to know why you have a tattoo of their tribal pattern on your arm.
Leo: Your auto correct on your iPhone gets you punched in the nuts again.
Virgo: The girl scouts smash all your car windows. Perhaps it’s time to pay for those cookies you bought.
Libra: Despite your local TV spot, no one buys your VHS tape collection.
Scorpio: You will host the world’s first jockey orgy. It will run shorter than expected.
Sagittarius: You will lose control of your car and skid into a parking spot right in front of the store, at a meter with tons of time.
Capricorn: This week, your incompetent Civil War reenactment group accidentally wins the war for the Nazis.
Aquarius: You will discover that the man you men wasn’t a genie and what you were rubbing wasn’t a lamp.
Pisces: You will enjoy that the snow is finally over! …until Tuesday.
