If your birthday is this week: For your birthday, your girlfriend forgives for forgetting Valentine’s Day.
Aries: You will punch a mollusk because he was being a little bitch.
Taurus: You will attain enlightenment by huffing paint, but no one except the man at the paint aisle at Home Depot believes you.
Gemini: The stars say, a watch pot never boils, but you’re going to burn down your fucking place if you forget the soup again.
Lemini: This week, you will pass your prime.
Cancer: You’re lucky numbers are 1 and 2. Good luck playing the lottery with that.
Leo: You will get up very early to dig out your car and realize after almost finishing you dug out your neighbor’s car by mistake.
Virgo: Ellen Page will stop you on the street to make sure you know she’s gay.
Libra: You will discover that fraternities prefer to recruit pledges that wear pants and underwear.
Scorpio: Your ten gallon K-Y dispenser will run empty. Fortunately, you’ll have the back up five gallon one.
Sagittarius: The barista at Starbucks will tell you to change that shirt.
Capricorn: You will scientifically prove that shit’s fucked up.
Aquarius: Your Olympic dreams will be shattered after your alarm goes off.
Pisces: Take heed. Actually take two heeds, they’re small.
