If your birthday is this week:  Your friends throw you a surprise party and the surprise is, it’s actually an intervention.

Aries:  You’ll fart in an elevator and attempt to cover it up with twerking.

Taurus:  The stars say, they will catch you wackin’ it on Google Street View…again.

Gemini:  You week (and colon) will be full of fart-inducing foods.

Lemini:  You will win a car, but sadly, it’s a Volkswagon Jetta.

Cancer:  Some strangers will approach you and demand to know why you have a tattoo of their tribal pattern on your arm.

Leo:  Your auto correct on your iPhone gets you punched in the nuts again.

Virgo:  The girl scouts smash all your car windows.  Perhaps it’s time to pay for those cookies you bought.

Libra:  Despite your local TV spot, no one buys your VHS tape collection.

Scorpio:  You will host the world’s first jockey orgy.  It will run shorter than expected.

Sagittarius:  You will lose control of your car and skid into a parking spot right in front of the store, at a meter with tons of time.

Capricorn:  This week, your incompetent Civil War reenactment group accidentally wins the war for the Nazis.

Aquarius:  You will discover that the man you men wasn’t a genie and what you were rubbing wasn’t a lamp.

Pisces:  You will enjoy that the snow is finally over!  …until Tuesday.