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Tax season is right around the corner, bros.  Time to give the government your pound of flesh.  Always remember, there are deductions, but somethings just don’t fly with your accountant.  Here now are Ten Things I Learned Never to Deduct on Your Taxes.

1.  Lap dances.  (Even the ones for research.)

2.  Wax lips.  (They are not a business lunch.)

3.  Mileage to and from that donut place.  (unless you’re a police officer)

4.  If a squirrel steals your five dollars.  (Does not count as a gambling loss.)

5.  Business peanuts.

6.  Found money on the ground.  (Does not have to be reported, but is technically not “found” if you pull it from the pocket of an unconscious guy you find on the sidewalk.)

7.  Cheesesteak.  (If you’re paid in them, you don’t have to send part of your sandwich in.)

8.  My Xbox.  (Not considered a dependent.)

9.  Porn.  (Not a legitimate medical write-off, even though it relieves stress.)

10.  Paying myself to dream.  (Not a legitimate research expense.)