If your birthday is this week: You will get this song stuck in your head all this week. Sorry.
Aries: This will not be a good week for you as you will spot Nancy Grace and her producers going through your garbage.
Taurus: You will have the 2nd worst pancakes of your life.
Gemini: Superman will save you, but gives you a stern warning about placing your genitals in the jacuzzi jets.
Lemini: You dream of being on television finally comes true, unfortunate it’s because you’re featured on Cheaters.
Cancer: Your bocce game ends with the winning throw through your windshield.
Leo: A homeless man will attempt to give you change.
Virgo: The stars say, you should just smoke some pot and eat Klondike bars this week. You won’t get anything done, but it will be awesome.
Libra: It turns out, Father’s Day is your day. At least according to that girl you broke up with about 10 months ago.
Scorpio: You will be interview again by BSDM magazine, but this time you’ll fail to get the cover.
Sagittarius: Ironically, the March of Dimes will demand that your donation be made in paper money instead of coins.
Capricorn: You will be arrested for speeding in a drive in, but the root beer taste great before the crash.
Aquarius: Your monkey will sign to you that you should lose some weight.
Pisces: You will uncover a pirate’s treasure chest, but it’s just full of his old clothes and furniture. Turns out they just used that stuff for storage.
