If your birthday is this week: You bros throw a party in your honor and totally promise to remember to invite you next year.
Aries: A stripper offers you twice the cost of a lap dance to pick someone else.
Taurus: You take one of those candies at the diner and get just as sick as the guy that stuck his hand in the bowl before you.
Gemini: You’ll drop your keys in wet cement and be forced to stomp on the sidewalk every time you want to turn off your car alarm.
Lemini: Death shows up at your door and offers to play you in a game of World of Warcraft to let you live. You wisely choose death instead.
Cancer: Your dog will order a shit ton of dog toys on your credit card. Bad dog.
Leo: You’ll fall down some stairs without spilling your beer.
Virgo: Ted Danson will stop you in a parking lot and challenge you to a Cheers trivia contest. You will win.
Libra: This week, beware of soccer balls and cats named “Colonel Fluff E. Tail”.
Scorpio: Trojan will ask for a plaster cast of your genitals since over 2% of their product ends up near them.
Sagittarius: You will trade your stock in Malaysian Airlines for a bowl of Ramen.
Capricorn: You will regain consciousness from your Spring Break binge. Nice coma, bro!
Aquarius: You will strain your tapping finger playing tablet games. First World Problems.
Pisces: You’ll sit in front of a guy that reads the subtitles from “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” aloud because that is apparently the only way he can fucking read.
