If your birthday is this week: Your birthday card will be full of crispy bacon. Nice!
Aries: Your toll taker will become obsessed with you, making bridge crossings awkward in the future.
Taurus: Your Facebook friends will hold an intervention about all the God damn cat pics you post.
Gemini: You will strain a muscle during the only exercise you get: playing iPhone games.
Lemini: The woman to whom you asked to spread sunblock on your back will spell out the word “jackhole” across your shoulder blades.
Cancer: That sampler person in Costco isn’t hitting on you, they just want you to try that new seven-grain bread.
Leo: You will accidentally see a Channing Tatum movie and realize half way through it’s not supposed to be a comedy.
Virgo: The stars say, stay out of the donut shop for awhile, you have to let other people get a chance to eat them.
Libra: Showing everyone that move you used to do on a skateboard allows you to show everyone how quickly an ambulance can get to your house.
Scorpio: Good news, your punch card for bikini waxes means the next one is free.
Sagittarius: You will be haunted by the ghost of your Myspace account.
Capricorn: You will discover that by ordering at Starbucks, you’ve waved you rights not to be kicked in the nuts by a barrista.
Aquarius: The Chinese guy at the novelty store will tell you not to get your Gremlin wet, but you’ll buy him PCP anyway.
Pisces: You’ll watch Game of Thrones and it will continue to be awesome.
