And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!
(translated by Mistah Shit)
Trolled in Trenton:
Dear Señor Cactus:
Why is everyone on the Internet such an asshole? Shouldn’t we be using this awesome technology to communicate better and share ideas?
Martin, 23, Trenton
Dear Sensitive Pussy Baby:
Cactus say, “First!”
Now go fuck yourself.
Liar in L.A.
Great Señor Cactus:
My girlfriend just constantly lies about everything. Where she is, who she’s seeing and especially about her ex-boyfriend. She even lies about stuff no one cares about. Like what TV show she watched or what she ate for breakfast. What the Hell do I do with this compulsive liar? She’s still pretty hot.
Maxwell, 19, USC
Dear Pretty Little Liar BF
Cheat on her, mon! If she lyin’ to you, then she probably assume that everyone lies to her anyway. Bang her and bang whoever else ya can. Why not? If she catch you, just act like lying is perfectly natural. It’s not like you gonna marry a liar, right? Liars don’t have relationships, because you can’t have a relationship with a liar. Whatever she say means nothing anyway. You should be thanking her! She just gave you a “cheat on me all you want” card.
Down in Detroit:
Señor Cactus:
Should I be worried that ISIS is going to behead me? And I’d like my answer in the form of a song, please.
Billy M., 25, Detroit
Dear Neck Protector:
Cactus say, “He no performin’ monkey. He a proud, dignified cactus advice columnist. You want a badly made up song sung by a plant, watch American Idol.”
But yeah, you’ll probably gonna die. Cactus don’t read the news, cause he got no eyes and Mistah Shit is so high sometimes, I don’t know what day it is. But I’d say the chances are about 50/50 you’re gonna lose a head or at least a foot. Definitely a pinky toe.
Top Heavy in Texas
Hey Señor Cactus:
My name’s Melissa and I’m a tall, curvy girl with huge breasts. I wear a triple H cup size. My breasts are so large, they sometimes hurt my lower back. Guys don’t take me seriously and I often find their eyes just drift down to my cleavage where they never leave. I’m considering surgery to get them reduced because I’m tried of being treated like I’m a walking pair of breasts. What do you think?
Melissa, 21, U of T
Dear Cup Runneth Over
Cactus say, you look at this all wrong! You want to be taken seriously by a man, you gotta think like a man! If a man had your cans, he wouldn’t hesitate to wave them around as a distraction to get what he wanted! If Mistah Shit had your sweater puppies, he’d never get a speeding ticket again!
In fact, Mistah Shit will take it upon himself to make you his protege! You email me your phone number (and a few pics so I can see the problem up close) and we will get together so I can personally instruct you on the best ways to be taken seriously. Mistah Shit is willing to work all night with all the alcohol you can drink until we figure out the best course of action!
If you have a questions for Señor Cactus, email here.
