If your birthday is this week: For the umpteenth time, those fireworks weren’t to celebrate your birth.
Aries: You’ll drop your cellphone through the cracks of a hot BBQ grill, missing your call and ruining the burgers.
Taurus: Half way through a call with an Aries, you’ll hear a weird sizzle, pop and then the line goes dead.
Gemini: Your allergies will be so bad, you’ll be forced to blow your nose in a paper bag.
Lemini: If you don’t look under your bed, that serial killer will probably leave on his own.
Cancer: The stars say, order peanut butter and jelly because it’s the only thing the waiter won’t spit in.
Leo: Hermit crabs will steal your credit cards and charge a great deal of chum.
Virgo: This week, be careful raking because there are still plenty of unexploded fireworks on your lawn.
Libra: Your therapist will finally admit that you’re depressing her.
Scorpio: You’ll find out that “Touch here” on the parking meter kiosk is referring to the kiosk and not you.
Sagittarius: America’s Got Talent calls and tells you, you don’t.
Capricorn: Buy a lottery ticket today. It won’t win, but it’ll make the mugger feel that much worse for you when he opens your wallet later.
Aquarius: Your paperboy has been reading your mail and resealing it.
Pisces: Eating your weight in pudding turns out not to be as much fun as you thought it would be.
