Fall is a time when the leaves change and so do the movies. Do they change for the better? Well, I doubt it. It’s all the stuff not good enough to be released during the summer. Thank God for Netflix because here’s Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.
The Guest: AKA: The Thing That Wouldn’t Leave, only scarier and handsomer. Pass.
Tusk: Kevin Smith is attempting to master horror? Seems like when you announce it’s a movie about a guy that’s slowly turned into a walrus, it’s sort of like saying Saw is a movie where a bunch of people are going to be killed with puzzles. Isn’t he point of horror adding some surprise and suspense?
Stop the Pounding Heart: Blah, blah, blah, romance, blah, blah, blah. No.
Dracula Untold: This should probably called “Dracula Retold Again.” No.
The Book of Life: Another cartoon not by Pixar. Pass.
The Town That Dreaded Sundown: I am so god damned bored of serial killers. They’re so rare in real life. Please filmmakers, anything new!
Ouija: Your movie specifically made for Halloween, Parker Brothers and teenagers is here. No thanks.
Foxcatcher: AKA: Steve Carell wants an Oscar.
Hunger Games, Something Something: Talk about stretching what should essentially be a Twilight Zone episode to the brink. We get it, she starts a revolution and saves the day. Start the fucking thing already. Christ, I can’t wait until this is over.
The Imitation Game: AKA: Benedict Cumberbatch wants an Oscare too. Ya know, with so many WW2 movies, it’s like every second of that war has been made into a movie.
Penguins of Madagascar: C’mon, seriously? No, I’m done. I just can’t even— Forget it. No. I’m going back to watching Trailer Park Boys reruns.
Bonus TV rant!
Gotham: Hey everyone! It’s a Batman TV show with a twist! You don’t get to see Batman! Wow! Oh, boy! I can’t hardly wait! Maybe they’ll make a James Bond movie without James Bond! Or a Spiderman TV show without Spiderman! What a twist!
