If your birthday is this week: The bakery that puts your face on your birthday cake air brushes your imperfections away with buttercream, making you look like a store mannequin.
Aries: A man spreading the Gospel of Jesus will burst into flames on your doorstep.
Taurus: Batman finds you a great parking spot at the mall and admits it’s been a slow day for crime.
Gemini: The stars say, you should start eating right. Your Communist chef doesn’t wash his hands.
Lemini: This week, get ready for visitors because the cops finally have enough evidence on you.
Cancer: Your old clothes will be fashionable to wear again all next week and then abruptly go back to being ugly.
Leo: Your porn download from 1994 is now 89% finished.
Virgo: You will be struck violently by a delicious bagel on morning this week, keep your mouth open.
Libra: You will wake up on a park bench and find yourself graffitied by Banksy.
Scorpio: Your line of pubic hair styling gels becomes popular with porn stars.
Sagittarius: Jim Carrey will insist on personally entertaining you while you wait in line at the grocery.
Capricorn: Your bake sale goes amazingly well, but only because you mixed up your flour and cocaine containers again.
Aquarius: Turns out, your Internet date is just a virus with a crush on your face symmetry.
Pisces: Your new puppy will pee on everything.
