If your birthday is this week: Your cat throws you a surprise party, but only invites his friends.
Aries: You will eat some raw hotdogs and not get sick, but everyone at the supermarket check out will be really worried about you.
Taurus: You will be hypnotized by a stage magician and become convinced you are a very fat Nicholas Cage.
Gemini: Save for a rainy day because during the next one, the roof leaks all over your shit.
Lemini: The stars say, it’s normal to be annoyed by whoever you’re dating, but it’s not normal to be annoyed that they won’t loan you $80K.
Cancer: You will be unable to decide which country’s videos are weirder, Russia’s or Japan’s.
Leo: You will regret buying the monkey’s paw because the monkey is still alive and gunning for the guy that took his hand.
Virgo: This week, you’ll eat some pasta and that’s about it.
Libra: You’ll meet the reincarnated version of an old friend and he’ll demand the $20 you borrowed.
Scorpio: Your porn collection will collapse the shelves it’s stored on from the sheer weight of the DVD’s.
Sagittarius: The ghost of Elvis will bug you to buy a deep fryer.
Capricorn: You’ll drunkenly confess your sins to some dude in a black suit in an elevator.
Aquarius: You’ll check your watch and dump your drink in your lap. You’ll also pee your pants because you’re so surprised, but no one will notice thanks to the spill.
Pisces: Stop writing lyrics to the A Game of Thrones theme and just watch the damn show. No one wants to sing, “Game of Thro-ones! Game of Thro-ones!” over and over again.
