If your birthday is this week: Your dad will finally show up at your birthday party, but insist on leaving early to return a Blockbuster video.
Aries: Your dad will send you a dad-o-gram, featuring a recording of Morgan Freeman telling you how proud he is of you.
Taurus: Your father chastises you for your Father’s Day gift purchase because all he does is criticize, plus you bought him the wrong kind of crack.
Gemini: You pop asks you to exchange his Father’s Day gift for a size larger, which means you’ll have to rob a fatter guy’s house.
Lemini: The stars say, your dad is really going to like the stripper you got him, just not that you left her tied up in his trunk.
Cancer: Your kids surprise you with your favorite breakfast in bed: whiskey, bacon and Kate Upton in a bikini.
Leo: You and your dad watch Dadholes and laugh, because you both hate your kids.
Virgo: You pa thanks you for the gum and suggests that maybe next year, you try buying his gift at a store instead of a gas station.
Libra: Your father gives you the greatest gift of all and actually makes a grunt that can be interpreted as approval.
Scorpio: Your kids surprise you because you haven’t talked to their mother since that night two years ago.
Sagittarius: Your pop will acknowledge your e-card, but he’ll tell you he’s too busy it to read it.
Capricorn: Your dad is impressed with your Father’s Day gift, mostly because you were able to find him under his assumed name to hand it to him.
Aquarius: Your father won’t acknowledge your gift, since he’s just a test tube, but you do have a great talk about the future.
Pisces: Your dog scratches “Happy F-Day” on your floor.
