If your birthday is this week:  It’s your birthday, so take the week off.  Your boss is going to fire you anyway.

Aries:  You will greet the morning with a pan flute song because Zamfir broke into your house.

Taurus:  You’ll punch an ostrich today because someone today you it’s “National Punch an Ostrich Day”, but it turns out that holiday isn’t until the winter.

Gemini:  You’ll deal off the bottom of the deck in your Uno game.

Lemini:  You’ll eat some exotic spices but really won’t enjoy them until they come out.

Cancer:  The stars say, your fake mustache will not fool the border patrol because you’re wearing a dress.

Leo:  Your feet will smell like Fritos this week.

Virgo:  The ghost of Thomas Jefferson demands to know why you don’t use two dollar bills.

Scorpio:  You’ll bang the mini-mart clerk, but still won’t get a discount on Slurpees.

Sagittarius:  You’ll be hit in the face by an errant Frisbee.

Capricorn:  You’ll exceed your personal best for the number of times you pee your pants this week.

Aquarius:  You have the gift.  Unfortunately, it’s to predict farts in other people.

Pisces:  You’ll eat some alligator.  It’ll taste like beefy shrimp.