If your birthday is this week: The librarians insist that you move your birthday party to some place else because you’re cramping their style.
Aries: Your roommate drunkenly reveals that he’s a secret agent and tries to kill you, but fortunately he sucks at his job.
Taurus: The Colonel of KFC asks you to kill him and take his place.
Gemini: The Starbucks barista will write “Shit Nutz” on your latte.
Lemini: A small town sheriff will drive you out of town and you vow to get revenge, but you’re lame, so you don’t.
Cancer: You’ll summon a demon, but he’ll insist you’re just “not right” for him.
Leo: Donald Trump’s goons break into your car and steal all your change or at least that’s what you tell the cops.
Virgo: Taco Bell will steal your formula for their next taco, which is just basically a taco with lots more cheese.
Libra: The stars say, doing your taxes in the nude does not get you an additional ten percent discount.
Scorpio: Your life story becomes popular enough to be turned into a soft porn movie.
Sagittarius: You will overfill your cream puffs and experience a delicious explosions.
Capricorn: Your Frisbee golf game devolves into an argument, then a fistfight and then a campaign for president.
Aquarius: You will wake up in a stranger’s pajamas.
Pisces: Pressure from Big Easter keeps you from making any Easter jokes in your horoscope post.
