If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party will be held in an undisclosed area, so no one gets to go.

Aries:  The stars say, you’ll get a surprise enema.

Taurus:  You’ll notice pubic hairs on your food reviewing your meal pics on Instagram.

Gemini:  Your peaceful protest is misunderstood at the Subway sandwich shop and they insist you put on pants.

Lemini:  Your broker will ask if he can live on your couch for a while.

Cancer:  Don’t forget to lock your car tonight, it’s leprechaun season.

Leo:  The ghost of Thomas Jefferson keeps waking you up to search for pictures of Halle Berry naked on the Internet.

Virgo:  Your lucky number is 7,342.854.

Libra:  Your dream of training rabbits is realized until the rabbits steal your car and ruin your credit.

Scorpio:  You’ll invent a new sexual position, which can only be performed with seven people.

Sagittarius:  The NSA will email you and ask you to look at more interesting porn.

Capricorn:  You’ll never guess who is coming to see you tomorrow.

Aquarius:  Your state government will insist you wear waterwings whenever you’re in the DMV.

Pisces:  You’ll be frozen in stasis for 500 years, only to be revived to find out that failing to recycle is a war crime.