If your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake will be shaped like a giant hotdog, but the relish on it will be real.
Aries: Fireworks bring you a great reward from the insurance company and the car you set on fire.
Taurus: The stars say, turn over those burgers once but don’t press them down on the grill. They’ll get dry.
Gemini: Your barbecue host will get a deal on hotdogs that are nearly squirrel meat-free.
Lemini: Your trip to the beach ends as it always does, with the cops asking you to stop living under the boardwalk.
Cancer: You will fall asleep during your Memorial Day barbecue and get tagged by mustard.
Leo: You’ll miss out on a block party in your neighborhood because your neighbors convinced you it was being held in Alberta.
Virgo: Your makeshift Iwo Jima memorial made from hotdogs attracts a record number of flies in the heat, but few actual veterans.
Libra: You will reach your yearly quota of pork consumed by Sunday night.
Scorpio: Having sex with an entire battalion is technically not supporting the troops with your STD’s.
Sagittarius: You will cut off a Memorial Day parade in your rush to get to a beer store.
Capricorn: Making hamburgers by using other hamburgers as buns is technically healthier only if you don’t count the burns on your hands.
Aquarius: The ghost of General Patton will appear at your barbecue and demand you give him 20.
Pisces: Windows 10 will update your fucking computer without your fucking permission ruining your fucking weekend.
