If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday cake will be shaped like a giant hotdog, but the relish on it will be real.

Aries:  Fireworks bring you a great reward from the insurance company and the car you set on fire.

Taurus:  The stars say, turn over those burgers once but don’t press them down on the grill.  They’ll get dry.

Gemini:  Your barbecue host will get a deal on hotdogs that are nearly squirrel meat-free.

Lemini:  Your trip to the beach ends as it always does, with the cops asking you to stop living under the boardwalk.

Cancer:  You will fall asleep during your Memorial Day barbecue and get tagged by mustard.

Leo:  You’ll miss out on a block party in your neighborhood because your neighbors convinced you it was being held in Alberta.

Virgo:  Your makeshift Iwo Jima memorial made from hotdogs attracts a record number of flies in the heat, but few actual veterans.

Libra:  You will reach your yearly quota of pork consumed by Sunday night.

Scorpio:  Having sex with an entire battalion is technically not supporting the troops with your STD’s.

Sagittarius:  You will cut off a Memorial Day parade in your rush to get to a beer store.

Capricorn:  Making hamburgers by using other hamburgers as buns is technically healthier only if you don’t count the burns on your hands.

Aquarius:  The ghost of General Patton will appear at your barbecue and demand you give him 20.

Pisces:  Windows 10 will update your fucking computer without your fucking permission ruining your fucking weekend.