If your birthday is this week: Your birthday Spiderman will actually be Tobey Maguire and he will need a ride home.
Aries: Your shuffleboard game ends in a fist fight, again.
Taurus: Your professor will admit that he’s never seen anyone drink that many beers at their first class.
Gemini: You’ll discover a cure for the common cold, but the cure requires being raped by a yeti.
Lemini: The stars say, don’t give up, if your meth dealer can make meth, so can you.
Cancer: Manage your cough drops, the gnomes are back.
Leo: The voices in your head take a vote and decide that they hate the sweater.
Virgo: The Jolly Green Giant comes to your house and insists that your supermarket coupon is expired.
Libra: Your friend in the Clinton campaign asks if you still can get a hold of anti-psychotic medication for “no reason”.
Scorpio: You will make sweet love to Donald Trump’s hair piece.
Sagittarius: Your fortune cookie fortune will insist that the fortunes coming out of the bathroom scale are wrong.
Capricorn: You’ll finally learn Mandarin, but forget English.
Aquarius: You’ll buy some shoes and live the rest of your boring-ass week.
Pisces: Adventure is around every corner, mostly because you won’t stop playing Pokémon Go.
