If your birthday is this week:  You ask your friends not to show up in costume to your party, but they do it anyway.  You’re not the boss of them!

Aries:  You will get tricked on Halloween as the local kids tar and feather you for not giving out full sized candy bars.

Taurus:  One of the costumed people that comes to your doorstep will give you a treat, if you consider a subpoena a treat.

Gemini:  You will have nothing but dental floss in your candy bag, which is why you need to move out of Dentistville.

Lemini:  Your costume of a missing kid on a milk carton gets you kidnapped.

Cancer:  You will find one of Donald Trump’s spare toupees on the side of the highway.

Leo:  You’ll lose a pissing contest to a Great Dane.

Virgo:  The stars say, stop pretending you’re not at home just because you don’t want to give out candy, dick.

Libra:  Your invisible costume gets flagged at the church costume party.

Scorpio:  You will discover that offering everyone that comes to your door a handjob on Halloween is a quick way to get a line down your driveway.

Sagittarius:  Your candy is so bad, kids will return it at the end of the night rather than let it touch the good stuff.

Capricorn:  Your homemade pits with bamboo spikes at the bottom, may have been appropriate for Vietnam, but not Halloween lawn decoration.

Aquarius:  You will lose your Sexy Spongebob No-Pants costume in a poker game, but perhaps that’s for the best.

Pisces:  By pretending you have the flu, you greatly increase the amount of candy left behind by Trick or Treaters.