If your birthday is this week:  The strippers bring out your cake, but ruin the moment when they ask where all your friends are.

Aries:  Your invention of the bacon rocket is delicious, but fails to get a patent.

Taurus:  The stars say, your pile of leaves looks like a giant penis from up there.

Gemini:  The ghost of Fidel Castro will appear to you and demand that you return all his library books.

Lemini:  You’ll realize that the waiter at the Olive Garden gives terrible financial advice.

Cancer:  You’ll accidentally step in a toilet trying to find the gum that fell out of your mouth.

Leo:  Hillary Clinton will steal your newspaper, insisting that it’s full of Russian propaganda.

Virgo:  Your blacksmith will be forced to raise his prices.

Libra:  Your mail order snack arrives six weeks late when you’re not even hungry.

Scorpio:  You spot someone you went to high school with in one of the pornos you’re masturbating to.

Sagittarius:  Your tattoo artist will continue to verify that you don’t understand the Chinese characters being tattooed on your back.

Capricorn:  Your donut maker will conflate vanilla glaze with mayo again.

Aquarius:  Your roommate will pay their half of the rent in Skittles again.

Pisces:  Your turkey leftovers start to turn today, so eat the last 29 pounds of turkey or throw them away.