If your birthday is this week: For your birthday, you’ll get a bike and get named to Trump’s cabinet.
Aries: When life gives you lemons, you chuck the lemons at people, so life has had it with your shit.
Taurus: You will be on a Japanese game show where you’ll lose a finger, but gain a Ford Taurus.
Gemini: The stars say, that the cleaning crew in your office building rubs the stuff on your desk on their butts.
Lemini: You’ll regret giving an Uber ride to T.J. Miller.
Cancer: Your car won’t start until you agree to stop farting inside it.
Leo: Not only do you fail to get rid of the moles in your backyard, the moles start a meth lab.
Virgo: This week, be prepared for surprises because no one wants to finish writing your
Libra: You’ll get a great deal on a cellphone, but it will be the size of a clipboard.
Scorpio: You will become sexually aroused by an ad while riding mass transit, but won’t finish because your stop comes up too soon.
Sagittarius: The Land o’ Lakes mascot will cut you off in traffic driving her buttermobile.
Capricorn: You’ll receive free pancakes in the mail.
Aquarius: After taking a week off from work, no one will notice you’ve been gone.
Pisces: You’ll leave a party with the wrong coat, but that’s okay, the car keys in the pocket fit a better car.
